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Thread: Urgent divorce advice, please

  1. #1
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    Urgent divorce advice, please

    Hello. I'm married to a Russian man and I myself became a Russian citizen in 2020. My husband has some anger management and alcohol issues which I wasn't aware of at the time of marriage. He hid a lot from me. We've been married 7 years and enough is enough. He is also very jealous and controlling and won't even let me go to the store that is 3 minutes away by myself in case a man might speak to me. I can't take it anymore. I feel like a bird in a cage, plus his anger issues scare me.

    I understand that the regular process for divorce would involve us both going to ZAGS to file there. However, with my husband's anger issues and drinking, I don't really feel encouraged to ask him about divorce while I'm in the same house as him. I'm due to fly to the UK for a medical reason soon, so I'm considering trying to file for divorce from there where I'm physically safer....just in case... I was wanting to maybe try to file for divorce in the Russian Consulate or Russian Embassy of the UK.

    I called the Russian Embassy in the UK and the lady I spoke to told me that I can't be registered in Russia and must become registered at the consulate if I want a divorce from abroad??? She told me that I need a document from here in Russia that I didn't understand. Maybe showing that I'm no longer registered?? Right now I'm permanently registered with my husband at his apartment. However, because he wants to sell it, I may be able to get him to put me on temporary registration for a few month, just in case he wants to sell it while I'm away. I can just let it run out as the months pass. However, obviously if I'm wanting a divorce, I don't wish to return to him. So, I don't know how I would get hold of a document saying that I'm not registered anywhere in Russia?? I'm not sure if I even understood the lady correctly. She said I need to get something notorized at the embassy in order to get a divorce...It was hard to catch what she was saying.

    My husband I have no children. I'm not interested in his property. He can keep it. I just want my freedom.
    Am I able to file for divorce with just a copy of our marriage certificate?

    I do plan on returning to Russia sometime in the future once all this is sorted out. I like Russia and am a citizen now. I'll just go to a different region.
    I will be very grateful for any guidance here.

  2. #2
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    Sorry to hear about your situation. I think it would be better to file for divorce in UK since you are familiar with their legal system. Once you get the UK divorce decree and have it apostilled then Russia will accept your UK divorce decree. I guess you could take it to Russian consulate or ZAGS to have your UK divorce registered in your Russian passport. I would think ZAGS would be better. I divorced from Ukrainian wife in US but it's not registered in Ukraine and I don't care about it as I don't have any properties there.

    Might be best to consult with your UK attorney whether your copy of marriage certificate is enough to start the divorce process. If not then you can get a copy from your ZAGS where you got married.

    I'm not sure about UK legal system but its similar to US... I only needed to provide a copy of my marriage certificate.
    Last edited by Remington; 29-04-2021 at 19:00.

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    Also can get advice from Russian attorney. It's inexpensive. I consulted with one, he gave me good advice on process and by-laws regarding process of adoption.

    No possibility of getting you all together with pastor or priest?

    If he hasn't been violent before, it's unlikely he would start now.

    I try to react to an angry person with boredom, or interest in something else, not with fear. If I react with fear, or return the anger, then the angry person thinks he's "winning" if you know what I mean. Of course the alcohol is going to throw a monkey wrench into it. I can get along with a drunk if I'm drunk, too, but that's not a solution.
    "Defund the Social Sciences." - Fantastika, 2020

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    If property was purchased while you were married, it's jointly owned. As far as I know, upon divorce the value of the property is split between the spouses. But if you just want out, it should be a straightforward process. A trip back to Russia to file might be worth it.

    I would second the advice given above about getting a Russian lawyer to help out.

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    Uncle Wally (30-04-2021)

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    I was nearly divorced at one time. A men's group supported me and I later became a Christian, and we patched it up, and now this is our 30th year together. Not everyone can, but my efforts and advice are aimed at helping people NOT divorce wherever possible. And they always say that it's not possible, though when I helped get a book written a hundred years ago on the topic, the editor, a woman on the verge of divorce herself, wound up patching things up with her husband and they both came to the presentation of the book in Moscow.
    Good luck, whatever way you go! (But I see divorce as an enemy both of the individual and of society)

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    Quote Originally Posted by rusmeister View Post
    I was nearly divorced at one time. A men's group supported me and I later became a Christian, and we patched it up, and now this is our 30th year together. Not everyone can, but my efforts and advice are aimed at helping people NOT divorce wherever possible. And they always say that it's not possible, though when I helped get a book written a hundred years ago on the topic, the editor, a woman on the verge of divorce herself, wound up patching things up with her husband and they both came to the presentation of the book in Moscow.
    Good luck, whatever way you go! (But I see divorce as an enemy both of the individual and of society)
    But once you have children the whole story changes.
    If you trust the government you obviously failed history class. " George Carlin"

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    Murka (30-04-2021)

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    Quote Originally Posted by seagirl333 View Post
    I'm due to fly to the UK for a medical reason soon, so I'm considering trying to file for divorce from there where I'm physically safer....just in case... I was wanting to maybe try to file for divorce in the Russian Consulate or Russian Embassy of the UK.

    I called the Russian Embassy in the UK and the lady I spoke to told me that I can't be registered in Russia and must become registered at the consulate if I want a divorce from abroad??? She told me that I need a document from here in Russia that I didn't understand. Maybe showing that I'm no longer registered?? Right now I'm permanently registered with my husband at his apartment.
    Please keep safe - that's first priority, whatever the other circumstances.

    -Consult a lawyer. In Russia to start (see below).

    -My understanding is that in the UK (or England and Wales? different legal systems an issue there), you need to be resident for at least a year before filing for divorce (if you don't both live there).

    -Divorce in Russia generally cheaper and easier than other countries. Very simple if uncontested (both parties agree and will sign) - basically go to ZAGS together and file paperwork. If contested, there may be a cooling off period of three months, and you may need to show "not possible to live together" or the marriage has irretrievably broken down or similar. You want a lawyer to help you with this - but as I have heard, living apart is the main test of how to do this.

    -That may get complicated depending on your status and need to be registered in Russia.

    -If you don't want property and you are registered at that property permanently - you have leverage. Ie perhaps your spouse would agree to give you uncontested divorce if you sign off on sale of the flat. But you need a lawyer for this.

    -If you've made an irrevocable decision to divorce - esp for safety reasons - you may want to have all communications only through lawyer or in presence of reliable witnesses. This may get more expensive but still likely easier and cheaper than in other countries - but I'm not an expert.

    I take no position on your marriage or the other aspects - but if your safety is at risk, that's the first priority. Get out of the dangerous situation - physically. Do not go back until you are sure you are safe. The divorce itself - by law - is an administrative/legal matter, your physical safety is paramount.

    For a lot of this - esp if your status residing in Russia is an issue - you need professional advice.

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    Unbelievable It’s 2021 and you are still telling people this story ))

    Quote Originally Posted by rusmeister View Post
    I was nearly divorced at one time. A men's group supported me and I later became a Christian, and we patched it up, and now this is our 30th year together. Not everyone can, but my efforts and advice are aimed at helping people NOT divorce wherever possible. And they always say that it's not possible, though when I helped get a book written a hundred years ago on the topic, the editor, a woman on the verge of divorce herself, wound up patching things up with her husband and they both came to the presentation of the book in Moscow.
    Good luck, whatever way you go! (But I see divorce as an enemy both of the individual and of society)

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    Quote Originally Posted by Murka View Post
    Unbelievable It’s 2021 and you are still telling people this story ))
    what is wrong with that?Rusmeister's advice is his and his opinion alone. the way he did things worked for osme. will not work for others. a question was asked and he shared his way of thinking,doing and living with us. he is not forcing it on anzone. once can take it or leave it.
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

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    Quote Originally Posted by Murka View Post
    Unbelievable It’s 2021 and you are still telling people this story ))
    That’s why I mentioned the part about (real, traditional) Christian faith. Without that, without something telling you to love your neighbor and love your enemies (as actions, regardless of feelings), then people have nothing to tell them to love their spouses when they become unlovable, as all of us do at some point or another.

    So as Benedict said, it’s a case of, if one has ears to hear, let them hear. If not, do whatever you think best (rightly or wrongly), and you will get the consequences of that.

    I have a lot of problems as an older father in a foreign land, but my kids are together with their parents in the original marriage, and I have love in my marriage despite vast differences that sometimes lead to sharp quarrels and the sadness that arises from such things. When love is not there, you need to make it, like in a factory, produce it through effort of will, of choosing to love and not resent, to set aside grievances, and irritation, and the negative feelings. You produce it through acts of love, regardless of the feelings. It is very hard to hate somebody who is genuinely loving you without grudging or resentment, is kindly doing things for you that you need. You have to be something of a monster yourself to hate such a person, and most people are not actually monsters. Everyone likes to imagine their own case as exceptional, as not the rule of human relations.

    Love, as a hard and difficult choice of action, rather than a gooey feeling, covers a multitude of sins.

    And yes, it IS 2021, but my teachers have shown me that truth is not dependent on the clock. You might as well say that something may be believed on Tuesdays, but not on Fridays. Eternal truth is, well, always true. The idea that we are “more advanced now” because we live in the 21st century is not well thought-out. Watch the scene in Disney's classic “Sleeping Beauty” where Prince Philip tells his father (his father objecting to his marrying a peasant girl) “But Father, this is the 14th century!”.

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    Hello. Thank you for your reply. Regarding obtaining a divorce in the UK, I saw this case about a Russian citizen couple that divorced in the UK, via the Russian Consulate which follows Russian law, but the divorce wasn't recognised by UK authorities. The wife remarried to someone in America, but when the husband tried to get a declaration of marital status to be able to remarry, the couple discovered they were still both married to each other according to UK law. A little messy.....

    http://www.spiresolicitors.co.uk/new...-family-court/

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    Thank you for your reply. Is there anyone that you can specifically recommend as a good Russian divorce lawyer? I tried contacting 3 of them and was quoted a hefty consultation fee alone and then the rest would have been into the thousands of dollars for apparently 3 court appearances on my behalf. The 3rd one never got back to me.

    As far as violence that you ask about....Well, he used to box and has been in some street fights. I've already endured being slapped, manhandled, wrestled, shaken that left bruises, bitten when he was drunk, and screams in my face. He has told me on a few occasions, especially recently, that he would like to punch me. So, I will not test that, just in case. I'm not allowed to go out alone. Last time I received the 5 day silent treatment after a lot of threats and him yelling. He is emotionally abusive with name calling and put downs, too. He does have a good side, but doesn't everyone?? I'm wondering if he may be bipolar. This is already enough for me. I don't need to wait for further escalation. I want out....

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    Quote Originally Posted by seagirl333 View Post
    Thank you for your reply. Is there anyone that you can specifically recommend as a good Russian divorce lawyer? I tried contacting 3 of them and was quoted a hefty consultation fee alone and then the rest would have been into the thousands of dollars for apparently 3 court appearances on my behalf. The 3rd one never got back to me.

    As far as violence that you ask about....Well, he used to box and has been in some street fights. I've already endured being slapped, manhandled, wrestled, shaken that left bruises, bitten when he was drunk, and screams in my face. He has told me on a few occasions, especially recently, that he would like to punch me. So, I will not test that, just in case. I'm not allowed to go out alone. Last time I received the 5 day silent treatment after a lot of threats and him yelling. He is emotionally abusive with name calling and put downs, too. He does have a good side, but doesn't everyone?? I'm wondering if he may be bipolar. This is already enough for me. I don't need to wait for further escalation. I want out....
    Try to record the abuse, with audio or and video
    If you trust the government you obviously failed history class. " George Carlin"

  20. #14
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    Thank you very much for your reply. I agree with what you are saying that it would be more straight forward and easier if we could both go to file at ZAGS together. However, part of the problem is that I'm afraid to ask him for a divorce while I'm physically with him. Exactly for safety reasons...

    As far as being resident in the UK for 1 year before being able to file... I have continued to keep a UK address while paying my required UK council tax up until now, as well as being registered here in Russia. He's visited the UK, but never lived there. Also, since the UK doesn't even seem to know I'm married as there was no need to try to get my marriage recognised there or registered (maybe not even possible), I'm confused how the UK legal system would be able to grant me a divorce. We were married in Russia and our whole married life has been only in Russia. He only mentioned we were married on a UK tourist visa application to visit.

    He has finally decided in the past day or so, that since I'm due to fly to the UK for medical reasons and he wants to sell his apartment while I'm away, that it may be an idea to de-register me here.. He's thinking about once I finish my medical care in UK, maybe we could move to Turkey where his sister is living. There is a large Russian community there. Before, it would have been an issue to de-register here. I would think that may be a benefit if I have to de-register here for the divorce via Russian embassy/consulate in the UK.

    I'm wondering since I never had to have my Russian marriage recognised in the UK...If I go through the Russian embassy channels for divorce via Russian law, even if it's not following UK law...if it would be okay....because how does UK ever even know I was married?? By proper Russian law, I could get a divorce. If I ever remarried, how does the UK know if I apply for marital status, about my Russian marriage?? Anyway, it would have been resolved by Russia. I would have thought that I would have needed marital status to remarry from Russia,, not the UK if I want to prove my divorce in future.

    As I posted above..so, it's confusing... http://www.spiresolicitors.co.uk/new...-family-court/

    I agree...I need professional advice. Still trying to find a Russian lawyer that won't charge so much..even just for consultation. Thank you agin.

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    Quote Originally Posted by seagirl333 View Post
    Thank you for your reply. Is there anyone that you can specifically recommend as a good Russian divorce lawyer? I tried contacting 3 of them and was quoted a hefty consultation fee alone and then the rest would have been into the thousands of dollars for apparently 3 court appearances on my behalf. The 3rd one never got back to me.
    Are you looking specifically for native Russian, but English-speaking lawyer? I was thinking of the lawyers in kiosks in the mall, or even in a office with a team of lawyers, the consult fees were next to nothing. Your attorney does not have to reside in Moscow, does he/she? Much cheaper to get one outside of the capital.

    Does anyone know if divorce laws are the same in every province in Russia? In US, divorce law varies from state to state, even from city to city. My divorce cost me $50 in Alexandria, Virginia. Bad move. My ex is a millionaire now.

    Or maybe if you have interpreter with you during interview and work that way, it would be cheaper than professional polished legal services who charge American high rates. You are not gaining much with an English-speaking attorney. They are going to do what they do whether they tell you in English or in Russian. And it's difficult to understand what an attorney does in any language. Don't think of an attorney as being more friendly or "better" because he speaks English. An attorney is not your friend any more than your plumber or your bookseller is your friend.

    You need data. Keep looking, you will find ways to get the information you need to make decisions about what to do, how to proceed, how to improve the conditions of your life.
    "Defund the Social Sciences." - Fantastika, 2020

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