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Thread: weather is lousy, it is cold, nothign much to smile or to do,so i was digging up some old jokes...

  1. #76
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    Quote Originally Posted by Benedikt View Post
    not a joke per se but something to think about...

    Before he died, a father said to his son; “Here is a watch that your grandfather gave me. It is almost 200 years old. Before I give it to you, go to the jewelry store downtown. Tell them that I want to sell it, and see how much they offer you."
    The son went to the jewelry story, came back to his father, and said; "They offered $150.00 because it's so old."
    The father said; “Go to the pawn shop."
    The son went to the pawn shop, came back to his father, and said; "The pawn shop offered $10.00 because it looks so worn."
    The father asked his son to go to the museum and show them the watch.
    He went to the museum, came back, and said to his father; “The curator offered $500,000.00 for this very rare piece to be included in their precious antique collections."
    The father said; “I wanted to let you know that the right place values you in the right way. Don't find yourself in the wrong place and get angry if you are not valued. Those that know your value are those who appreciate you, don't stay in a place where nobody sees your value."
    Know your worth.
    That goes double for your "friends," how much they value you. If they constantly say to you, "So and so is an asshole,..., that other person is a jerk, ..." then you know he is saying the same thing about you to other people.
    Last edited by TheInterocitor; 16-05-2020 at 11:31.
    Have we reached the ultimate stage of absurdity where some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, while other people are not held responsible for what they themselves are doing today?

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    Benedikt (16-05-2020)

  3. #77
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    IMG_2260a.jpg

    This was beautiful, last night.

    Then, after dark, the neighbor's dog started howling, making it impossible to work, so I moved to the other side of the house and watch TV. The dog is still howling, so I turn up the volume. After an hour, the dog is still howling. I open the door, and it is night, the sky is dark, then it's light like day, then dark, then light, light, then night, light, night.. the lightning is flashing 2-3 times a second, from near and far, all over the heavens above. Flash tracks are racing across the cosmic dome. from horizon to horizon the sky is pulsating with yellow/red/blue/green lightning and going from night to day like a maniacal cosmic strobe light. Bass thunder booms and crackles, like multiple sets of celestial drummers, from near and far. No wonder the dog is howling! Then the fire station horn starts howling. Tornado warning. I grab the transistor radio and go down into the basement. The radio is FM so it doesn't crackle like the AM does with lightning. Then I think, if tornado hits, I will buried under three tons of books, so I go back upstairs. Finally, the horn stops, and there was a tornado, but to the north about 20 miles. In the woods, no damage. We are blessed again!
    Have we reached the ultimate stage of absurdity where some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, while other people are not held responsible for what they themselves are doing today?

  4. #78
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    talk between mother and daughter, father and son....

    A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

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    Hans.KK (17-05-2020), xt-tsi (18-05-2020)

  6. #79
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    takes about 10 minutes. some are great, some are for the birds....

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_ZlsjIANMY
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

  7. #80
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    Can you say something intelligent? Or is it just time agai nto take out the dog? bloody cold +5C...
    Take from the German word -Freibier - ( beer that is for free) the letter -F- away from the front and put it on to the back,you get -Freibier – once more...
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

  8. #81
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    is your dog named freibeir?

  9. #82
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    Quote Originally Posted by xt-tsi View Post
    is your dog named freibeir?
    no.Jhinn...
    Attached Images Attached Images
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

  10. #83
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    not a joke but maybe the one or other thing you might want to do while stuck inside,alone maybe?

    https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/...de/5054632002/
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

  11. #84
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    always -popular- the good old -blonde - jokes...

    A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it.
    A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. T
    he brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family.
    The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

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    TheInterocitor (21-05-2020)

  13. #85
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    Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
    Johnny: "Seven."
    Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
    Johnny: "Seven."
    Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
    Johnny: "Six."
    Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
    Johnny: "Seven!"
    Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
    Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

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    Hans.KK (22-05-2020)

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    He asked his date 'can I invite you for dinner' ?
    'I do not eat in the evening , after six' she replies..
    'Can we go and see a movie at the drive in'?
    She replies ' I don't like movies, I load them down from the Internet'.
    'So, maybe we just go to my place and watch TV'?
    'I watch TV only in the morning when Dom2 is on'.
    'Maybe we look at my photo album'?
    'Why should I look at old photos from people I do not know'?
    'Now, i really don't know, what do you like'?
    'Well', she said, ' I just like sex. But it seems to me you are not interested in that'?
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

  16. #87
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    for men over 50 only....


    For men over 50.When the occasion arises to hand in a -sample- for the yearly health check up.

    No need to go and see the doctor, go to the garden, early morning, before breakfast and pee onto the ground...

    When you will see ants congregating there, your sugar count is to high.And most probably you suffer from diabetes.

    Does it drip onto the toes, you most probably have problems with your prostate.

    Does you hand hurt when -shaking off - the last few drops, you suffer from arthrose.

    Cant stop shaking the -snake - ? Most probably you have Parkinson's..

    Are you back in your apartment and -he – is still out in the fresh air. You have Alzheimer's.

    And if you have no idea where you had been or what you had done? It for sure is dementia...
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

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    BigBear (25-05-2020), Hans.KK (24-05-2020)

  18. #88
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    an dream about it,can't one?

    Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology,
    "And what starting salary are you looking for?"
    The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
    The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"
    The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
    The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

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    Hans.KK (26-05-2020), TheInterocitor (26-05-2020)

  20. #89
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    something to smile or about 10 minutes. some i knew, a few not...

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWOG-kb_KVM
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

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    Hans.KK (27-05-2020)

  22. #90
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    [QUOTE=TheInterocitor;1492559]Trying to post a PM, but the system won't let me. Is there still a limit on the number of PM's?


    if you mean ME, my mailbox for sure is not full, there is actually nothing there... if you try a PM and the mailbox of the receiver is full, you will get indeed a message. but how much that is i do not know, actually i never checked or enquired about it.
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

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