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Thread: weather is lousy, it is cold, nothign much to smile or to do,so i was digging up some old jokes...

  1. #61
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    Quote Originally Posted by Benedikt View Post
    only in Russia....

    I asked my Russian friend today, if he is afraid of the corona virus.
    He said "no! I have the antidote!" I said, really? What is it? He said "its vodka!" I didn't believe and said, vodka kills the virus? He said "no, but it kills the fear!"
    ...and immunity system.
    All the world's Kremlin,
    And all the men and women merely agents

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  3. #62
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    Students in a college class were instructed to write a short story in as few words as possible.
    The short story had to contain the following three things:
    1 .Religion.         
    2 . Sexuality.                
    3. Mystery.
    Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class:
    'Good God, I’m pregnant; I wonder who did it'
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

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  5. #63
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    Have we reached the ultimate stage of absurdity where some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, while other people are not held responsible for what they themselves are doing today?

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  7. #64
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    Bought me wet wipes with -ocean flavor-
    -Tropical flavor – chewing gum
    A – mountain dew – soft drink.
    Chips – country style – flavor...

    Where are you having your vacation this year!
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

  8. #65
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    I was waiting at a small train station when a man put up a sign regarding my train: '30-Minute Delay.'
    'What happened?'I asked.
    'The train went off the rails,' he said.
    'How long will that take to fix?'
    'Quite a few hours.'
    'So why put up a sign saying it would take 30 minutes?"
    'It’s the only sign we have.'
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

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  10. #66
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    Selfie of My Recent Vacation

    Have we reached the ultimate stage of absurdity where some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, while other people are not held responsible for what they themselves are doing today?

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  12. #67
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    Selfie, Part B

    Have we reached the ultimate stage of absurdity where some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, while other people are not held responsible for what they themselves are doing today?

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  14. #68
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    and they claim a picture says more then a 1000 words. NEVER believe in a picture?
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

  15. #69
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    A man calls his doctor because he suspects he has Corona
    They discuss his symptoms and conclude that he indeed has the disease.

    Doctor: you will need to start the 3P diet.

    Man: the 3P diet? What's that?

    Doctor: pizza, pancakes, and panini

    Man: but doctor, why?

    Doctor: because they fit under the door
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

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  17. #70
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    Soviet Union jokes

    Moscow in the 1970s. Deepest winter.
    A rumour spreads through the city that meat will be available for sale the next day at Butcher’s Shop no. 1.
    Tens of thousands turn up on the eve of the event: wrapped up against the cold, carrying stools, vodka, and chessboards, they form an orderly queue.
    At 3 am the butcher comes out and says, “Comrades, I’ve just had a call from the Party Central Committee: it turns out there won’t be enough meat for everyone, so the Jews in the queue should go home.”
    The Jews obediently leave the queue. The rest continue to wait.

    At 7 am, the butcher comes out again:
    “Comrades, I’ve just had another call from Central Committee.
    It turns out there will be no meat at all, so you should all go home.”
    The crowd disperses, grumbling all the while: “Those bloody Jews get all the luck!”

    ...

    A KGB officer is walking in the park and he sees and old Jewish man reading a book.
    The KGB man says “What are you reading old man?”
    The old man says “I am trying to teach myself Hebrew.”
    KGB man says “Why are you trying to learn Hebrew? It takes years to get a visa for Israel. You would die before the paperwork got done.”
    “I am learning Hebrew so that when I die and go to Heaven I will be able to speak to Abraham and Moses. Hebrew is the language they speak in Heaven,” the old man replies.
    ”But what if when you die you go to Hell?” asks the KGB man.
    And the old man replies, “Russian, I already know.”

    ...

    Three workers find themselves locked up, and they ask each other what they’re in for.
    The first man says: “I was always ten minutes late to work, so I was accused of sabotage.”
    The second man says: “I was always ten minutes early to work, so I was accused of espionage.”
    The third man says: “I always got to work on time, so I was accused of having a Western watch.”*

    ...

    An old man is dying in his hovel on the steppes.
    There is a menacing banging on the door. ‘Whose there?’ the old man asks.
    ‘Death ‘comes the reply.
    ‘Thank God for that,’ he says, ‘I thought it was the KGB.’*

    ...

    Pravda announced that it welcomed letters to the editor.
    All correspondents were required to include their full name, address and next of kin.*

    ...

    Q: “Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?”
    A: “One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.”*

    ...

    Leonid Brezhnev pays a state visit to France and he’s given a VIP guided tour of Paris.
    He’s conducted round the splendors of the Élysée Palace, but remains as stony-faced as ever.
    He’s shown the masterpieces of the Louvre, but the curators fail to get any reaction out of him.
    He’s taken to the Arc de Triomphe, but displays not the slightest interest.
    Eventually, the official motorcade drives him to the foot of the Eiffel Tower, where Brezhnev finally stares up in amazement and astonishment. He turns to his French hosts and asks in bewilderment: “But, Paris is a city of 9 million people… surely you need more than one watchtower?”

    ...

    Stalin decides to go out one day and see what it’s really like for the workers, so he puts on a disguise and sneaks out of the Kremlin. After a while he wanders into a cinema.
    When the film has finished, the Soviet Anthem plays and a huge picture of Stalin appears on the screen.
    Everyone stands up and begins singing, except Stalin, who smugly remains seated.
    A minute later a man behind him leans forwards and whispers in his ear: “Listen Comrade, we all feel exactly the same way you do, but trust me, it’s a lot safer if you just stand up.”*
    Have we reached the ultimate stage of absurdity where some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, while other people are not held responsible for what they themselves are doing today?

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  19. #71
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    I was diagnosed with the corona virus at the local -chicken ranch-and the whole place was immediately quarantined.
    How do i explain that to my wife?
    Now I'll be stuck here for two weeks....
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

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  21. #72
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    After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

    The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

    The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

    The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

    The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

    The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

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  23. #73
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    Quote Originally Posted by TheInterocitor View Post
    Moscow in the 1970s. Deepest winter.
    A rumour spreads through the city that meat will be available for sale the next day at Butcher’s Shop no. 1.
    Tens of thousands turn up on the eve of the event: wrapped up against the cold, carrying stools, vodka, and chessboards, they form an orderly queue.
    At 3 am the butcher comes out and says, “Comrades, I’ve just had a call from the Party Central Committee: it turns out there won’t be enough meat for everyone, so the Jews in the queue should go home.”
    The Jews obediently leave the queue. The rest continue to wait.

    At 7 am, the butcher comes out again:
    “Comrades, I’ve just had another call from Central Committee.
    It turns out there will be no meat at all, so you should all go home.”
    The crowd disperses, grumbling all the while: “Those bloody Jews get all the luck!”

    ...

    A KGB officer is walking in the park and he sees and old Jewish man reading a book.
    The KGB man says “What are you reading old man?”
    The old man says “I am trying to teach myself Hebrew.”
    KGB man says “Why are you trying to learn Hebrew? It takes years to get a visa for Israel. You would die before the paperwork got done.”
    “I am learning Hebrew so that when I die and go to Heaven I will be able to speak to Abraham and Moses. Hebrew is the language they speak in Heaven,” the old man replies.
    ”But what if when you die you go to Hell?” asks the KGB man.
    And the old man replies, “Russian, I already know.”

    ...

    Three workers find themselves locked up, and they ask each other what they’re in for.
    The first man says: “I was always ten minutes late to work, so I was accused of sabotage.”
    The second man says: “I was always ten minutes early to work, so I was accused of espionage.”
    The third man says: “I always got to work on time, so I was accused of having a Western watch.”*

    ...

    An old man is dying in his hovel on the steppes.
    There is a menacing banging on the door. ‘Whose there?’ the old man asks.
    ‘Death ‘comes the reply.
    ‘Thank God for that,’ he says, ‘I thought it was the KGB.’*

    ...

    Pravda announced that it welcomed letters to the editor.
    All correspondents were required to include their full name, address and next of kin.*

    ...

    Q: “Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?”
    A: “One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.”*

    ...

    Leonid Brezhnev pays a state visit to France and he’s given a VIP guided tour of Paris.
    He’s conducted round the splendors of the Élysée Palace, but remains as stony-faced as ever.
    He’s shown the masterpieces of the Louvre, but the curators fail to get any reaction out of him.
    He’s taken to the Arc de Triomphe, but displays not the slightest interest.
    Eventually, the official motorcade drives him to the foot of the Eiffel Tower, where Brezhnev finally stares up in amazement and astonishment. He turns to his French hosts and asks in bewilderment: “But, Paris is a city of 9 million people… surely you need more than one watchtower?”

    ...

    Stalin decides to go out one day and see what it’s really like for the workers, so he puts on a disguise and sneaks out of the Kremlin. After a while he wanders into a cinema.
    When the film has finished, the Soviet Anthem plays and a huge picture of Stalin appears on the screen.
    Everyone stands up and begins singing, except Stalin, who smugly remains seated.
    A minute later a man behind him leans forwards and whispers in his ear: “Listen Comrade, we all feel exactly the same way you do, but trust me, it’s a lot safer if you just stand up.”*
    Brings back memories

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  25. #74
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    not a joke per se but something to think about...

    Before he died, a father said to his son; “Here is a watch that your grandfather gave me. It is almost 200 years old. Before I give it to you, go to the jewelry store downtown. Tell them that I want to sell it, and see how much they offer you."
    The son went to the jewelry story, came back to his father, and said; "They offered $150.00 because it's so old."
    The father said; “Go to the pawn shop."
    The son went to the pawn shop, came back to his father, and said; "The pawn shop offered $10.00 because it looks so worn."
    The father asked his son to go to the museum and show them the watch.
    He went to the museum, came back, and said to his father; “The curator offered $500,000.00 for this very rare piece to be included in their precious antique collections."
    The father said; “I wanted to let you know that the right place values you in the right way. Don't find yourself in the wrong place and get angry if you are not valued. Those that know your value are those who appreciate you, don't stay in a place where nobody sees your value."
    Know your worth.
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

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  27. #75
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    looking does not do any harm? talking does not make pregnant?
    Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded,
    "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!"
    Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

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