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Thread: weather is lousy, it is cold, nothign much to smile or to do,so i was digging up some old jokes...

  1. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by Benedikt View Post
    Hubby bought himself a new, expensive pair of shoes. His wife did not take notice or just did not see them.
    So he undressed completely except for the shoes. When he was completely naked the asked his wife – notice anything different-?
    -No -, she says – hangs down as usual-...
    Husband loses his temper and shouts – He is not hanging, he is watching the new shoes-.
    Unfazed the wife replied – you should have bought a new hat then-...
    I finally got it, searched on Google.
    Last edited by TheInterocitor; 02-05-2020 at 14:00.
    Have we reached the ultimate stage of absurdity where some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, while other people are not held responsible for what they themselves are doing today?

  2. #47
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    A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story, and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know, daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.

    A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, and goodbye grandma." Next day the grandmother died. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

    Several weeks later, when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office so, instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home, his wife said "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life!" She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch!"
    Have we reached the ultimate stage of absurdity where some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, while other people are not held responsible for what they themselves are doing today?

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  4. #48
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    A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna get weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna get weighed," she said. He really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl.
    ...
    An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: "Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. P.S.: Sure is hot down here."


    Spoiler Alert for First Joke!

    That one had two English language twists in it. "Wousy" -> "Lousy", Weighed -> Leighed -> Laid.
    Have we reached the ultimate stage of absurdity where some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, while other people are not held responsible for what they themselves are doing today?

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  6. #49
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    A doctor started having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there. "But, how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked. "Well," he said, "after you've had the baby, just send me a postcard and write 'sauerkraut' on the back." Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his office. "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today," she explained. "I don't understand what it means!" "Just wait until I get home and I'll read it," he replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard, which said: "Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut: Two with wieners, One without!"
    Have we reached the ultimate stage of absurdity where some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, while other people are not held responsible for what they themselves are doing today?

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    Hilarious jokes, but I just want to assauge any young men or women out there: if you choose wisely when getting married, this level of infidelity is nowhere near as common as the jokes, movies or tabloids would have you believe. We are not sex-mad animals walking around, with nothing differentiating us from the beasts but slightly sharper minds! :'(
    I am fascinated by Russia, this country with frigid weather, hard souls, and hot girls!

  9. #51
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    nothing funny about the bug indeed, but sometimes one can overdo it. Not a joke as such, but got it from friends down under...

    *Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Corona virus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitizer which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stock piled "just in case".

    The whole lot collapsed and buried and killed him.
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

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  11. #52
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    one more to keep the spirits high during the -lock down- and -stay at home - time...

    What’s the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo and Juliet? One’s the corona virus and the other is a Verona crisis.
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

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  13. #53
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    Quote Originally Posted by bydand View Post
    Why so much toilet paper is needed...


    https://www.facebook.com/michel.garo...kyMDY2MzUwODA/
    One coughs, seven $h!t in fear...
    All the world's Kremlin,
    And all the men and women merely agents

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  15. #54
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    only in Russia....

    I asked my Russian friend today, if he is afraid of the corona virus.
    He said "no! I have the antidote!" I said, really? What is it? He said "its vodka!" I didn't believe and said, vodka kills the virus? He said "no, but it kills the fear!"
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

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  17. #55
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    A 65 year old man was working out in a gym when he spotted a sexy young woman. He asked his trainer, “What machine should I use to impress a girl like that?” The trainer replied, “I’d try the ATM in the lobby.”
    ....
    Dr. Geezer: An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000." Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?" Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." Dr. Young: "Aaagh ! -This is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, - that is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak - I can hardly see anything! Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill). Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
    ...
    An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
    ...

    Many years ago, a beloved Pope died and went to heaven. Saint Peter greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."
    St. Peter continued: "You are also granted an open-door policy and may, at your own discretion, meet with any heavenly leader including the Father, without prior appointment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?"
    "Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."

    St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of humanity's relationship with God.
    Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the quiet of the library. Immediately several of the saints and angels came running.
    They found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over: "There's an 'R'. There's an 'R.' There's an 'R'... It's CELIBRATE, not celibate!"
    Have we reached the ultimate stage of absurdity where some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, while other people are not held responsible for what they themselves are doing today?

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  19. #56
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    TWO COWS

    What to do with two cows?


    FEUDALISM
    You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

    PURE SOCIALISM
    You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

    BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM
    You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

    FASCISM
    You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

    PURE COMMUNISM
    You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

    RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
    You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

    DICTATORSHIP
    You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

    SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY
    You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

    MILITARIANISM
    You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

    PURE DEMOCRACY
    You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

    REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
    You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

    AMERICAN DEMOCRACY
    The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

    BRITISH DEMOCRACY
    You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

    BUREAUCRACY
    You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

    ANARCHY
    You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours try to kill you and take the cows.

    CAPITALISM
    You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

    HONG KONG CAPITALISM
    You have two cows. You sell three of them to your public-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.

    ENVIRONMENTALISM
    You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

    TOTALITARIANISM
    You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

    POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
    You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo - centric, war - mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non - specified gender.

    COUNTER CULTURE
    Wow, dude, there's like ... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

    SURREALISM
    You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

    Disney Capitalism
    You have two cows. They dance & sing.

    Martha Stewart Capitalism
    You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down.

    Ayn Rand Capitalism
    You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company. After it does well, you sell you stock and buy a cow farm. After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capitol and build a milk manufacturing factory. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii with your millions of dollars.

    Californian Capitalism
    You have two cows. They are happy.
    Have we reached the ultimate stage of absurdity where some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, while other people are not held responsible for what they themselves are doing today?

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  21. #57
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    and this is no joke at all. but should make one thin about it...

    Taiwan's President Tsai Ing-wen took to Facebook to tell people not to prank about the virus, adding that anyone spreading rumors or false information could face up to three years in jail and/or a fine of up to NT$3 million ($99,200).
    In Thailand it could cost you up to 5 years in jail....
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

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  23. #58
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    I ’m a nurse in a hospital’s children’s ward. One night, I was at the nurses’ station when I heard a little boy in his room talking. He kept the patter up for some time. Finally, I got on the intercom and said softly but firmly, “All right, Johnny, it’s time to go to sleep now.” There was quiet in the room, and then he said, “OK, God, I will.” I didn’t hear a peep from him until morning.
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

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  25. #59
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    Why was my cat sitting on the computer? A: To keep an eye on the mouse!
    Attached Images Attached Images
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

  26. #60
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    Quote Originally Posted by Benedikt View Post
    and this is no joke at all. but should make one thin about it...

    Taiwan's President Tsai Ing-wen took to Facebook to tell people not to prank about the virus, adding that anyone spreading rumors or false information could face up to three years in jail and/or a fine of up to NT$3 million ($99,200).
    In Thailand it could cost you up to 5 years in jail....
    DIMAKRASI?
    All the world's Kremlin,
    And all the men and women merely agents

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