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Thread: weather is lousy, it is cold, nothign much to smile or to do,so i was digging up some old jokes...

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  1. #1
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    weather is lousy, it is cold, nothign much to smile or to do,so i was digging up some old jokes...

    As we are all locked down at home... more to follow .every day one.

    A man is getting into the shower as his wife is getting out, when the Doorbell rings. She quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. She opens the door to Fred, the next door neighbor.
    Before she says a word, Fred says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
    After thinking for a moment, she drops it and stands naked in front of Fred.
    After a few seconds, Fred hands her $800 and leaves.
    Wrapping herself in the towel, as she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks: 'Who was that?'
    'It was Fred the next door neighbor' she replies.
    'Great!' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
    >Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders (and Management team), in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

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  3. #2
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    as promised, one joke a day. might not keep the doctor or the -bug - away, but so what...

    A priest offered a Nun a lift.
    As she sat in the car, she could not help but reveal a leg.
    The priest nearly had an accident.
    After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
    The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
    He removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
    The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
    The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak'.
    Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
    > Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

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  5. #3
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    time for the -joke of the day-...

    A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
    They rub it and a Genie pops out.
    The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish'.
    'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.
    'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world'.
    Puff! She's gone.
    'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life'.
    Puff! He's gone.
    'OK, you're up', the Genie says to the manager.
    The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'.
    Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

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  7. #4
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    early day, or late night? for most... for me it is early day

    An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
    The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
    All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
    Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
    There is no greater treasure then pleasure....

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    Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"
    Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
    Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
    Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

    The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:
    Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
    Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
    Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
    Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

    This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
    Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
    The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
    Have we reached the ultimate stage of absurdity where some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, while other people are not held responsible for what they themselves are doing today?

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    A woman from the city goes to the country and she says to the farmer, "Well why doesn't that cow have any horns?"

    The farmer says, "Ma'am, there are many reasons that cows don't have horns. Now some are hornless breed like Angus. We've been milking them and after a while they get sensitive to the touch and they don't like it and with their horns they can be a little rambunctious so we cut the horns off. It's no pain to the animal. Some just had calves we don't want the horns and we put a few drops of acid on the horns. Some of them we put a horns hood on them."

    "But the reason that that cow don't have any horns is because it's a horse."
    Have we reached the ultimate stage of absurdity where some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, while other people are not held responsible for what they themselves are doing today?

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  13. #7
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    This guy from the city is out hunting for ducks in the country.

    He shoots a duck, the duck falls and hits a barn and goes into a farmer's yard. This guy getting the duck climbs over the fence and he goes into the yard and he's trying to get this duck and this farmer comes out, a big guy, bigger than the guy with the duck.
    The farmer says, "What are you doing in my yard?"
    The guy says, "I come to get the duck, that's my duck."
    The farmer says, "It's not your duck, this is my yard, that duck fell and hit my barn."
    The guy says, "Yes, but that's not your duck. I shot the duck. I've been out hunting for a couple of days. Give me a break. You know, I'm from the city."
    The farmer says, "You're from the city? Well you don't understand about property, do you? It's my property, it's my duck. However, I'll give you a chance at the duck. We can settle this country style."
    The guy says, "Yeah, well, how do you, how do you settle it country style?"
    The farmer says, "I kick you in the groin, and then you kick me in the groin, and we take turns kicking each other in the groin. Who's ever left keeps the duck."
    The guy says. "Well, if that's what I gotta do..."
    The farmer says, "I go first" and he holds off and Wham! kicks the guy in the groin.
    The guy goes, "Ohhhh!!! Owww! Man did that hurt! Ouch, ouch, ouch! OOOOOOW!" He rolls around on the ground, yelling in pain, for half an hour passed...
    Finally the guy is able to stand, he gets up, he says, "Well, I guess it's my turn..."
    The farmer says, "Oh, you can have the duck."

    (Duck joke starts at 3:00)
    \
    Have we reached the ultimate stage of absurdity where some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, while other people are not held responsible for what they themselves are doing today?

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