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Thread: at DJ's request

  1. #1
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    at DJ's request

    To the citizens of the United States of America,

    In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and
    thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
    duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
    Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
    following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
    Dictionary.

    Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You
    will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

    2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
    know on your behalf.

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
    accents. It really isn't that hard.

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
    as the good guys.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not
    want you to get confused and give up half way through.

    6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
    kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not
    a very good game.The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

    7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
    weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".

    8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a
    new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
    "Indecisive Day".

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is
    for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

    10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

    Thank you for your co-operation.
    Me regalaste tu vida, te regale la mitad

  2. #2
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    Re: at DJ's request

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
    Dictionary.


    I did, and consider it quite interesting that while searching, I also found the word "revolve" on the same page. As in "stick your finger up your own ass and revolve." Lovely word combination, that.

    Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You
    will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.


    Why should I bother, since the world...ahem...revolves around American english these days?

    Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

    I'll look up "interspersed if you'll look up "eat me" - fair enough for ya?

    2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
    know on your behalf.


    See #1 and come back to me when you've dominated a few foreign cultures more recently than 200 years ago.

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
    accents. It really isn't that hard.


    You're right, it is ridiculously easy – it's just that we don't give a flying shit.

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
    as the good guys.


    Not until you get rid of those prissy little accents of yours that lend themselves so well to bad guys with latent homosexuality hangups.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not
    want you to get confused and give up half way through.


    Again, go look up "eat me" in your Americanized Oxford.

    6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

    Um, that's why it's called "American football" you simpering nitwit. Of course, you can always bring your pasty carcass out on the playing field and we'll see just who stacks up against who. As a matter of fact, I'll lay down the challenge myself – full contact without the kevlar. Trust me, I'll level your lightweight little ass myself.

    7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
    weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".


    Can't argue with this. Call it a tie. Now bring me a pint of your best Miller Genuine Draft and quit your whining.

    8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a
    new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
    "Indecisive Day".


    "Indecisive"...sorry for being too lazy to look it up (all those McDonald's calories got me a bit fat and relaxed), but does that mean you guys can't figure out whether to eat a spotted dick or smoke a fag?

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is
    for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.


    Ha, you're living in the "should-coulda-woulda" been past. Germany lost the war, no thanks to you limp-wrists. American iron is the ONLY way to go. Get your sorry ass behind the wheel of a 66 Mustang THEN come talk that same shit to me.

    10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

    My uncle Bob. He kills everything. Now settle down, have a cup of tea and a few crumpets, and don't ever f**k with a winner again.

    Thank you for your co-operation.

    I got something you can "cooperate" with, Pinky.
    Proudly sitting down to pee since 1989

  3. #3
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    Dude, you've got too much time on your hands.... Can I have your job?
    Me regalaste tu vida, te regale la mitad

  4. #4
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    Not unless you can write shit like that in under 10 minutes.
    Proudly sitting down to pee since 1989

  5. #5
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    so THAT is your job...
    Me regalaste tu vida, te regale la mitad

  6. #6
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    See #1 and come back to me when you've dominated a few foreign cultures more recently than 200 years ago.

    <Coughs gently> ... that would be like the way you've shown us then huh !??!

    Lower head waits for things to be thrown at him !!



    Champagne the best lager money can buy

  7. #7
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    Dear Random,

    As sarcasm and irony smileys were eschewed, I won't be throwing anything at you.

    Sincerely,
    Mr. Sf
    Proudly sitting down to pee since 1989

  8. #8
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    Glad you took it the way I meant it !! Hate having stuff thrown at me ......sometimes it can be heavy and hurt !!
    Champagne the best lager money can buy

  9. #9
    boscoe Guest
    sfjohns, how’s that Vietnamese colony going for you nowadays?


  10. #10
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    Ditto for me re taking things the right way. Some people couldn't spot tongue in cheek with a magnifying glass.

    Man, can you feel the love in the room?!

    Shaggy, the Charlies are producing at a rate I never thought possible. I even think I might have a real blue-blooded strawboss identified, stellar man with a whip.
    Proudly sitting down to pee since 1989

  11. #11
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    SFJ,
    My man, you just wear me out readin' yer shit! LOL

    P.S. I know what his job is!!!
    C


  12. #12
    gadfly Guest
    If it wasn't for our country, y'all would be speaking German. I don't think the parents of future metrosexuals would have defended London the way the Russkies defended Stalingrad. KO.

  13. #13
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    Given that my bit of the world wasn't liberated until May 9th 1945 - I owe you zip !!

    Thanks for nothing !!
    Champagne the best lager money can buy

  14. #14
    Braders Guest
    Originally posted by gadfly
    If it wasn't for our country, y'all would be speaking German.
    Do you know where Germany is Gadfly?

  15. #15
    Braders Guest
    For that matter does your President?

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