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View Full Version : Another Urgent Sale



Toofuses
03-06-2004, 16:00
My psychiatrist says I have to "let go" before the healing can begin, whatever that means. Anyway, I have the following items for sale:

1. One 2-liter aluminum container of bacon fat (lard). Guaranteed highest-quality, rendered only once. Internet price survey suggests reasonable asking price of $15, discounted to $10 if you pick out the bristles yourself. Will sell in portions.

2. 43 velvet neon Elvis paintings - enough to have The King gracing every room in your house, several times in each room! All paintings are from his younger days, no fat open-jumpsuit-belly-hanging-out depictions, just The King in his eternally beautiful glory. $200 for the whole lot. Will throw in at no extra charge (paid $12 for it at a fan auction in Memphis) the snotrag The King used to blow his nose just before he keeled over on the toilet. Never washed.

3. Vinyl masters of everything ever recorded by "Zamfir And His Magical Pan Flute." Hermetically sealed in cellophane, never played. I will part with this immaculate collector's item for the amazing low price of just $1.99. I'll throw in one of those Ronco potato peeler slicer dicer julienning thingies to the first person who buys the stupid records.

4. Leavings from my last 3 podiatry hygiene sessions (toe cheese). Useful for breaking kids of their annoying nail biting habit. Couldn't bring myself to throw it away, so I saved it in a sheet of wax baking paper. Free, just get it out of the house before my mom follows through on her threat to "kick your disgusting, weird, 43-year old ass out on the street!" and also so my shrink will sign off on my court order so I can go back to work at the daycare center.

DJ Biscuit
03-06-2004, 16:59
Seems you got to the psychiatrist just in time!