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Miracle77777
04-04-2008, 01:15
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered."
"I think librarians are the easiest, said the second surgeon. "When you open them up, all their organs are alphabetically ordered."
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians, all their organs are color coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangeable."

:Loco:

Rustralian
04-04-2008, 01:25
Question:
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

Answer:
One is a mud dwelling, scum sucking, parasite ...... and the other is a fish

:beerbros:

AndreyS
04-04-2008, 01:34
Question:
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

Answer:
One is a mud dwelling, scum sucking, parasite ...... and the other is a fish

:beerbros:

Another one about lawyers:

One man in the pub keeping the conversation going:
-Oh all those lawyers are assholes!:

Another man springs up:
-I resent it!

First man:
-Sorry, are you a lawyer?

Second:
-No! I am asshole!!!

AndreyS
04-04-2008, 01:39
And the last one before going to bed.


Satan to a lawyer:

I will give you this and that, all treasures of the world. And you will give me your soul in return. OK?

Lawyer:

Sounds good! But where is a catch?

Rustralian
04-04-2008, 02:39
Malachi 2:9 "So I have caused you to be despised and humiliated before all the people, because you have not followed my ways but have shown partiality in matters of the law."

**********
People on Earth don't realize it, but people in heaven can see into Hell and vice versa. One day, God and the Devil were talking:

God: "You know, my people see your people, with the jazz bands, the all-night partying, drinking and debauchery, and they complain about just sitting around on clouds all day."

Devil: "Yeah, and my people complain about the heat, having to work most of the time, and that your people can just sit around."

God: "I'd like to build a fence, but it's not fair for you to get the benefit without paying for anything."

Devil: "No problem - I'll pay half. Just send me the bill when its finished."

(15 months later ...)

God: "Hey, I built the fence over a year ago. I sent you the bill, and you still haven't paid. If you don't pay, I'll sue!"

Devil: "Oh, yeah?!? Where are you gonna find a lawyer???"

**********

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Sure; after the police leave," replied the lawyer.

**********

The local Charity office realised that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

A local volunteer calls to solicite his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through our Charity?"

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the Charity worker mumbles, "Uh, no."

"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken Charity worker begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.

"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"

The humiliated Charity worker, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."

The lawyer then says"...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"

**********

Out of curiosity, the accident victim and his lawyer attended a revival meeting being conducted by a travelling evangelist preacher who had acquired a large following and an excellent reputation.

Much to their surprise, they discovered that the evangelist truly had the power to heal. He laid his hand on a blind man and the man jumped up, shouting "I can see! I can see! Bless you, Father, bless you!" Then the preacher touched a deaf man and said "Tell me your name." The man jumped up, shouting "I can hear! I can hear!"

Seeing the accident victim, in a wheelchair, with multiple casts and bandages, the minister approached.

Suddenly, the lawyer stood up. "Don't you dare touch him! The trial isn't until next week!"

**********

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.

"Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked.

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road. Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and narrowly missed the lawyer.

Certain he should've missed the lawyer, the truck driver was very surprised and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP".

He felt really guilty about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really sorry Father. I only just missed that lawyer."

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."

**********

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?

The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

**********

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: Whatís the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: Your Honour.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q: Whatís the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, thatís known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, thatís a shame.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.

*********

If a lawyer and a Tax Inspector were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

**********

Ignorance of the law excuses no man - from practicing it. - Adison Mizner

**********

Slightly off subject, but still okay:

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

:devil::devil:
:bedtime: