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TolkoRaz
05-06-2015, 14:09
.

TolkoRaz
05-06-2015, 14:10
,

vossy7
05-06-2015, 14:28
And add a bit of green:)

FatAndy
05-06-2015, 19:50
Good ones, comrades! :beerbros:

penka
05-06-2015, 20:04
Hilarious, guys!:)

TolkoRaz
06-06-2015, 11:07
And add a bit of green:)

Good to see somebody joining in the fun & contributing :10806:

TolkoRaz
11-06-2015, 21:47
A distraught husband went to the police-station to report that his wife was missing...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Colour of eyes?

Husband: Ooh…never really noticed.

Sergeant: Colour of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown at the moment.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my sports car.

Sergeant: What kind of sports car was it?

Husband: Mercedes-Benz C63 AMG 6.3 7G-Tronic Edition 125 Coupe finished In Magnetite Black Metallic with Black Leather AMG Sport Seats and Brushed Aluminium plus Piano Black Cappings; Unmarked 19" AMG Multispoke Alloy Wheels; Tyre Pressure Monitoring; Panoramic Glass Electric Tilt/Slide Sunroof; COMAND Online with HDD Wide Screen Satellite Navigation, Bluetooth Telephone Connectivity, Multi-Media Interface (MP3, Ipod etc), Superb Sound System With DAB and Harman-Kardon Sound Upgrade; Leather Trimmed AMG Multi-Function Steering Wheel with Paddle Shift; Parktronic Front and Rear Parking Sensors; Parking Assist; Attention Assist; Speed Limit Assist; Electrically adjustable, heated door Mirrors with Powerfold; Electrically Adjustable with Heated Front Sport Seats with Memory; Electrically Adjustable Steering Column; Bi-Xenon Headlights with Powerwash and Auto Activation; LED Daytime Running Lights; Cruise Control; Rear Privacy Glass; AMG Carpet Overmats...
…a t this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry, sir…we’ll find your car...

TolkoRaz
11-06-2015, 21:49
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their
stories.


There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was
left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine
pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over
enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a
survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then
her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them
with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you
was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't F *** with Mommy when she's been drinking.":10293:

Uncle Wally
11-06-2015, 22:14
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their
stories.


There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was
left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine
pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over
enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a
survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then
her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them
with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you
was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't F *** with Mommy when she's been drinking.":10293:



Nice! Real nice.

vossy7
12-06-2015, 01:56
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their
stories.


There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was
left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine
pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over
enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a
survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then
her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them
with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you
was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't F *** with Mommy when she's been drinking.":10293:

Now where's that TB when you need it most :Loco:

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

Judge
17-06-2015, 23:42
Only a few days to Friday, :11581:


http://www.zerohedge.com/sites/default/files/images/user92183/imageroot/2015/06/Un****2_0.jpg

vossy7
18-06-2015, 00:11
Only a few days to Friday, :11581:


http://www.zerohedge.com/sites/default/files/images/user92183/imageroot/2015/06/Un****2_0.jpg

Oooh, the faces say it all :11581:

Judge
18-06-2015, 00:17
Oooh, the faces say it all :11581:

Exactly, they are living and feeling real pain. .

TolkoRaz
01-07-2015, 14:15
Two men flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot
said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all 6 were loaded. The plane took off.

However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two brave hunters survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we
are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." :D

natlee
01-07-2015, 15:08
:D

vossy7
01-07-2015, 21:08
Now TR why is it that two Canadians are called Mick and Paddy , are you taking the piss again......
" Paddy was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery "After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, 'Not guilty."
'That's grand,' shouted Paddy, 'Does that mean I get to keep the money? :brush:

Bonifaciy2
03-07-2015, 10:47
In the plane. The pilot informs the passengers about the flight:
- We are at 10 thousand meters height. The speed is 700 meters per hour, the temperature... Ouch! Oh, my God! No...!
In two minutes the pilot makes announcement:
- I'm sorry. The stewardess spilled the hot coffee onto my pants. You should see my pants at the front!
One of the passengers:
- No, you should see our pants at the back!

vossy7
03-07-2015, 10:58
A Russian Forum (not this one of course) Moderator arrives in UK, goes into a wine bar and asks the bartender, "which is your finest port?"

Bartender says "Dover ...now f**k off and use it!" :uk::tgif::11157: