PDA

View Full Version : Kniga Humor



cyclby
18-02-2004, 20:53
Only the Book and Henny Youngman will laugh at these.
Ok, I snickered a bit myself.

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad , or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu, but I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

16. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

17. I went to a seafood disco rave last week ...and pulled a mussel.

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

19. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um....well... I have five penises" replies the man. Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

20. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

I crack myself up
C

CaliforniaAngel
18-02-2004, 21:26
Ok, they were silly, but I must admit I laughed at a few of them.

sevan
18-02-2004, 21:54
Originally posted by cyclby

20. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Ooooh, I've got a good one....

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No ideer

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no ideer

Q: What do you a call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no penis?
A: Still no f***in' ideer!

ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa
:P

Limitchik
19-02-2004, 09:08
A man in a bar is enjoying his drink when he hears a voice say, "You look great!" He looks around, but there is nobody near him. He hears the voice again: "No, really, you look just terrific!" Again he looks around. Nobody. A few minutes p**** and again he hears the voice: "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you look absolutely stunning!" At this point the man realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar. "Hey," the man calls to the bartender, "What's with these nuts?" "Oh," the bartender answers, "they're complimentary."

Limitchik
19-02-2004, 09:14
Police are searching for a thief who robs his victims by threatening them with a lighted match.
They want to catch him before he strikes again.

Limitchik
19-02-2004, 09:21
A Zen Master walks up to a hot-dog seller, and says: "Make me one with everything."

When ceiling fans were invented, they were considered revolutionary.

The shop assistant asked whether I wanted it measured in Pounds or Kilos, so I just told him that either weigh would do.

Are cardboard belts just a waist of paper?

boscoe
19-02-2004, 09:27
Limitchik............ please............ I beseech you.....please........ no more!

kniga
19-02-2004, 09:34
All of you guys, STOP!!!!

Limitchik
19-02-2004, 09:39
Please, just a few more......

A friend of mine tried to build a gear-box for his car using nothing but dried grass.
It was never going to work; I think he was clutching at straws.

In theory, housebreaking your dog may seem like a fine idea, but it doesn't look good on paper.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.

"I got that job down the bowling alley"
"What, tenpin?"
"No it's permanent"

Horses may get into the movies, but they're usually saddled with the bit parts.

AND ONE MORE TO CLOSE WITH A THEME APPROPOS OF YESTERDAY:

My dog Minton just ate two of my expensive shuttlecocks!
"Bad Minton!"

cyclby
19-02-2004, 10:13
My Favourite,
"Take My Wife...........Please"!

Limitchick, Well done.......Bravo

kniga
19-02-2004, 10:17
cyclby,

So now you're reduced to stealing from Henny Youngman?

cyclby
19-02-2004, 10:17
Originally posted by boscoe
Limitchik............ please............ I beseech you.....please........ no more!

Nice to see that you are still alive!

cyclby
19-02-2004, 10:18
Originally posted by kniga
cyclby,

So now you're reduced to stealing from Henny Youngman?

I admit it is Henny's but it still holds up after all these years.
C

kniga
19-02-2004, 10:24
cyclby,

Yeah, and no one besides you and me remembers Henny Youngman anyway...

cyclby
19-02-2004, 10:26
Good Point! This is why you make the big bucks pal.

Something else under the heading of guilty pleasures.
I used to hate Saturday nights when I was a kid because we only had one television channel and the whole damn family had to sit down at 7 pm and watch Lawrence Welk! Christ I hated that guy.

Now I see that on PBS in the states they are replaying all of the shows on, you guessed it, Saturday nights at 7 and when and if I am in country I find myself watching the whole hour.
C

DJ Biscuit
20-02-2004, 19:48
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but the bulb has got to want to change.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Call him what you want, he still wont come.

What do you call dog with a lisp?

Mark

A dyslexic is taking ski-ing lessons. The instructor tells him to zig zag down the slope. The dyslexic says, ''don't you mean zag zig?'' They argue for some time, when the dyselxic sees another person on the slopes, he asks him, ''see me ski ing, am I zig zaging or zag ziging?'' The other guy says ''I don't know I am a tabogonist.''
''Oh great'' says the dyselxic '' can I have a pack of Marlboro and a box of matches please''

DPG
21-02-2004, 13:16
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, the difficult part is getting them into the bulb!!:D