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yakspeare
30-08-2012, 18:48
Write here for friendly sound advice on a number of issues.

These are some of the questions I have had before.


Dear Dr Yak,

I have just landed a job working for Deloitte in Moscow. I am concerned about the bears in Moscow. How can I defend myself?

Regards

Susie.


Dear Susie,

The bears in Moscow are not to be feared. They are usually drunk by about 10am. Always carry a bottle of Vodka or some honey based alcohol, such as Mead. If you see one dancing in cossack pants or playing the balilaika, always leave a generous tip.


Dear Dr Yak,

Who is the President of Russia?

-Bob


Dear Bob,

Russia is ruled by interplanetary beings from Oligarghiv 5, a small planet from the Alpha Centauri star system. Their representative is goodamuckaglabifastivkovlichiovichputinalova. Although Russians love long words, they usually use the diminutive form of "Putin" with affection.

These beings have a problem with excess gas and have an affinity for all things gold. They are especially fond of watches and demand them as tribute. If you should see the Presidential motorcade pass by, you should immediately take off your watch and throw it at it, as a sign of respect. Some say it is even good luck to do so. If you are successful at throwing the watch at the presidential car itself, then the local constabulary will escort you to the paradise of Oligargiv 5, and you will live out your days there. Sadly this will mean saying goodbye to your love ones, unless they are fortunate enough to throw a watch also.


Dear Dr Yak,

I am gay and about to move to Moscow. I am concerned about my security and safety.

-Frank

Dear Frank,

Gays are welcome in Russia and are a popular part of culture. You can usually spot the gay men by their pointy shoes(white in summer), white linen pants in summer, carrying purses and hugging other men. Gay resorts abound, just look for the word "banya" to find other gay men, who will show their interest by striking you on the back with leaves and sticks. This is the Russian mating ritual.

The best place for gays is St Petersburg. Gather a group of gay friends and cover yourself with glitter, rainbow shirts and lots of pink, pastel or even blue clothing. The ОМОН police (which is Homo spelt backwards) will organize transportation to the Alpha Centauri star system, where you will live a life of privelage as court jesters and minstrels for that particular interplanetary race. Some gays aren't selected, they are picky of course, and then you may end up in a jail. This isn't like in the west, jails are overcrowded and gay sex is guaranteed, but there is a waiting list.


Dear Dr Yak,

I met a girl on the internet and we are in love. We want to get married and I have been told I have to go to the zags. what is this, exactly?

Hoping for a reply,

George

Dear George,

Congratulations on meeting a fine Russian woman. Due to the laws of Russia, only models, movie stars, playboy centrefolds and drink promotional girls are allowed to use the internet. So I am sure that you 90-45-90 is a real catch, and very genuine. Be wary of the zags. This is an institution left over from the Stalin period, where a man is tested by putting his testicles in a vice. It is not for the faint hearted. It is, though, a true test of Russian manhood. If you are unsure, or of weak willed, the zag authorities can be bribed. Just transfer approximately $100,000 to your future wife, and she will take care of the bribes. This is Russia of course. Western Union is the best method of transfer.


Dear Dr Yak

My name is Paul and I am taking up a job offer to teach English in Samara. I am worried that I don't speak the language and I will have trouble meeting people. What can you suggest?

-Paul


Dear Paul.

It is never a problem to meet people in Russia. They have routine speed dating events called "demonstrati." Just go along and look for any woman with the sign "Free Pussy."

As for the language, there is an inexpensive language tool, known as "vodka". It can cost as little as 60 roubles and the effect lasts a few hours. Consume a bottle of this liquid and you will understand everything they say. Unfortunately, unless they consume it too, they won't understand you. So always carry another bottle around, whether for them to understand you, or to keep the bears friendly too.

PeteD
30-08-2012, 19:34
:) Excellent!!!

robertmf
30-08-2012, 19:45
Write here for friendly sound advice on a number of issues.

These are some of the questions I have had before.


Dear Dr Yak,

I have just landed a job working for Deloitte in Moscow. I am concerned about the bears in Moscow. How can I defend myself?

Regards

Susie.


Susie just sent me a PM :emote_popcorn: She is also worried about getting her uterus eaten by one of those Rooskie serial killers, like Andrei Chikatilo (https://www.google.com/webhp?source=search_app#hl=en&sugexp=les%3B&gs_nf=1&gs_mss=Russian%20serial%20killer%20u&tok=5Iz4jh378spwEaeynXKA_Q&cp=28&gs_id=33&xhr=t&q=Russian%20serial%20killer%20uterus&pf=p&sclient=psy-ab&oq=Russian+serial+killer+uterus&gs_l=&pbx=1&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_cp.r_qf.&fp=5812c498b0ada005&biw=1137&bih=670) :bong:

BTW A. Chikatilo was referenced in a Criminal Minds episode (http://criminalminds.wikia.com/wiki/Andrei_Chikatilo)

yakspeare
30-08-2012, 20:00
Dear Robert,

The uterus eating inhabitants are quite rare, unless you travel to the Altai mountains. Soviet scientists realized there was a problem and bred 9 million extra women, to satisfy the demand. The women selected for this privelage are not random from the street, but selected by a special lottery. Occasionally the quota is not fulfilled and only those charged under hooligan laws need fear this fate. Hope this assures Susie and yourself.

mds45
30-08-2012, 20:10
Wonderful !!!!! thanks Yak ! made me laugh so much :D

ezik
30-08-2012, 20:18
Hmmm... I think we should add a little corner here on Expat Café called "Ask Dr. Yak". :)

Jas
30-08-2012, 20:40
Very good Yak!

yakspeare
30-08-2012, 21:08
Dear Dr Yak,

I have a question. What is a TRP and how do I get one?

-John


Dear John,


Well done for desiring to take the next step and to get a TRP.

A TRP is a "Typical Russian Person" a qualification most would envy. It recognizes your ability to blend into the Russian landscape. Bear hats are then legal to be purchased, vodka is sold two for the price of one at selected GUM outlets, you can drive at any speed you like(on either side of the road), the latter sometimes requires a donation to a policeman's favourite charity(there are no fines for breaking the speed limit in Russia, though there is a fine for going under it.)

The TRP process is rather unusual and requires proof of the following:

1) Cossack dancing which can be supplemented by doing rap, as long as you wear baggy pants during the performance.
2) The Sto gram vodka swill. This should be repeated a dozen times in as many minutes. No spillage allowed. Only cucumbers may be eaten between shots.
3) The ability to drive with loud music on, whilst smoking, texting, changing lanes, singing and flirting with the devushka in the neighboring car. Extra points are awarded if you can do it in reverse.
4) Pheasant, peasant or tiger shooting. Each carries equal weight.
5) You must learn the words to the Soviet hymn. The Russian national Hymn-sung only by gays and emos, is not a permissable alternative.
6) You must show you have an Icon on your wall of either Stalin or Putin. Lesser points are awarded if you choose to display them in your car, or if you have an icon of a lesser saint.
7) You must be able to demonstrate that you can disassemble and reassemble an AK-47 assault rifle, blindfolded with one arm behind your back. Extra points are garnered if you can do this to a T-34 or T-72 tank.
8) For women, they must show the abilty to navigate at speed on ice in high heels.

Although the steps are rather difficult, many foreigners have made the transitiion and are truly happy in Russia. I encourage you to give it a try. Note the Russian roulette casino game has been dropped from the list as of 2008, making it much easier.

GalinaP
30-08-2012, 21:14
Dear Dr Yak,

I went to the supermarket the other day, and the cashier asked me, 'Meloch est'?' Why do I need to eat Russian metal coins, is it one of the curious Russian traditions?

- Sandra

yakspeare
30-08-2012, 21:35
Dear Sandra,

This is not unusual. Indeed this is how the 1 and 5 kopek coins have effectively been taken out of monetary circulation.

Copper is an essential nutritient for health and is used for the metabolic process, protection of organs and also boosting the immune system. So a coin a day, keeps the doctor away, as the Russian saying goes.

She probably thought you were a bit unwell, and off colour. Cashiers are paid by the State Medical board to distribute copper coins which are useless except for injestion. Next time thank her for her concern.

The black Sea is full of people trying to attain that copper like appearance.

GalinaP
30-08-2012, 23:40
Dear Dr Yak,

Now that the cold season is coming, I get seriously worried about a famous all-Russian 'hats on' day; it's when everybody puts their hats on in a nice, synchronised way. Everybody except for me, I never seem to be able to catch that secret signal: Time To Put On Your Hats, Folks. Any help with this one?

Sincerely,

Martha

yakspeare
31-08-2012, 02:07
Dear Dr Yak,

Now that the cold season is coming, I get seriously worried about a famous all-Russian 'hats on' day; it's when everybody puts their hats on in a nice, synchronised way. Everybody except for me, I never seem to be able to catch that secret signal: Time To Put On Your Hats, Folks. Any help with this one?

Sincerely,

Martha

Dear Martha

'Hats on day' is a very old tradition. It started with Ivan Grozny(Grozny means He with the terribly big silly hat) when his army was sieging the city of Kazan.

Ivan Grozny was known for his change in mood and suspicions about Tatar spies. So he would come out of his tent each morning and execute the first five fellows who were not doing the same as he was-as clearly they weren't so Russian if they couldn't get such a simple thing right. He would be wearing his terribly big silly hat or nothing at all. Completely stark naked. This kept his troops on their toes and they came up with a formula to work out what he would be wearing, depending on the amount killed the day before, what he had for dinner and the ambient temperature.

Later czars dropped the the requirement to be naked after one had an unfortunate experience of having his organ solidly attached to the throne, when the authorities decided to turn off the city's heating, for no jolly reason, in the middle of winter.

Lenin used the hats on day to root out anyone who was not of the working class. Dull and uninteresting worker caps were the norm, ladies with race going bonnets and anyone wearing anything with feathers were shot.

The formula was then devised as such:

(Air temperature X the relative humidity) x the number of Babushkas outside your apartment building chastising the kids. Any total number less than 1000 would means it is definitely a hats on day.

robertmf
31-08-2012, 02:34
Comrade Doctor Yak,

What's the answer :question:

GalinaP
31-08-2012, 11:29
Dear Dr Yak,

After an informal lesson on Russian swear words kindly given to me by my Russian friends, I found that my ears finally opened to all the intricacies of the Russian expression. Should I incorporate this vocabulary in my speech to make myself understood better?

Lucy

scd167
31-08-2012, 12:05
Comrade Doctor Yak,

What's the answer :question:

2581 = 2

:10641:

Dear Dr. Yak,

I was able to solve this for you in less time than a pre-schooler. Hopefully, it allows you to focus on more important things like all of our expat problems! Here is my question for the all mighty and wise doctor. Having been living now in Russia for seven years, I find my brain getting slower. Some say that some brain cells age quicker than others, so I have taken to killing off these older and slower brain cells with frequent high doses of good Russian vodka. Do you think this a solid approach to keeping my brain sharp and killing off those old and slow brain cells. I really think it works because right after about my tenth shot of vodka I can really feel the clarity in my brain. This is kind of like survival of the fittest, but with brain cells?

Have you thought about starting a talk show here in Russia similar to "Dr. Phil" in the USA, you would be an immediate hit (see how well that vodka works!).

Yours truly,

Getting smarter by the shot...

yakspeare
31-08-2012, 13:12
2581 = 2

:10641:

Dear Dr. Yak,

I was able to solve this for you in less time than a pre-schooler. Hopefully, it allows you to focus on more important things like all of our expat problems! Here is my question for the all mighty and wise doctor. Having been living now in Russia for seven years, I find my brain getting slower. Some say that some brain cells age quicker than others, so I have taken to killing off these older and slower brain cells with frequent high doses of good Russian vodka. Do you think this a solid approach to keeping my brain sharp and killing off those old and slow brain cells. I really think it works because right after about my tenth shot of vodka I can really feel the clarity in my brain. This is kind of like survival of the fittest, but with brain cells?

Have you thought about starting a talk show here in Russia similar to "Dr. Phil" in the USA, you would be an immediate hit (see how well that vodka works!).

Yours truly,

Getting smarter by the shot...


Thank you for your letter. I get quite a few these days and it takes me a while to respond between surgery and vodka shots.

You are on the right track, from poets, politicians and writers, vodka inspires greatness and creativity in us all. I used to go hunting with Russians and if I missed, I was given vodka to improve my aim. I was cautious at first but it really works. Now I don't do any surgery until I have had at least half a bottle. Even that makes me a lightweight amongst my peers. Unless the doctor is slurring, we simply won't even let him into the operating theatre.

So carry on with your alcohol darwinism, when you see two of everything and that even the babushkas look gorgeous, it means you have finally reached nirvanna and bliss and your true aristocratic nature will shine forth.

Just a word of caution, yellow snow does not contain alcohol, no matter how much you have drunk and excreted. You can eat some to stay hydrated but never to get the desired affect you are after.

Hope it all helps.

Dr Yak.

bydand
08-09-2012, 12:01
Dear Dr. Yaks,
A disturbing issue has been the focus of my attention for quite some time now. Our employees are sick an inordinate amount of the time, and it is more insidious than prostuda or davleniye.

I charted the frequency of illnesses over time, and it became quite clear. There is a very high tendency for them to fall ill immediately after payday, with a rash of relapses on advance day.

I think there is a bankers conspiracy!!! They taint the money with something to make workers ill! This, so the workers will work less, earn less, and not be able to pay their credit on time, thus increasing revenue with late charges added interest etc.

Are you aware of this? Are you privy to an antidote or vaccine the bankers are keeping a secret? Do the poor bank cashiers get sick also, or are they now immune?

I think this is criminal, how can we stop this?

Regards,
Johnnie Panimayu