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Teutonic Deity
29-11-2003, 13:17
December 1...To All Employees

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will be held on
December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog
and a small band will play traditional carols...feel free to sing-along. And
don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree.

Exchanging gifts among employees can be done at this time. Please remember
to keep gifts to the agreed $10 limit.

Merry Christmas to you and yours,

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
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December 2...To All Employees

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hannakkuh is an important holiday and often coincides with
Christmas (although not this year). However, from now on we're calling this
party our Holiday Party.
The same policy also applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at
this time. There will be no tree or Christmas carols sung.

Happy holidays to you and yours.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
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December 3...To All Employees

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate your
request but please remember that if I put a sign on the table that reads "AA
Only" you won't be anonymous any more.

In addition, we'll no longer be having a gift exchange because union members
feel that $10 is too much money.

Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director
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December 7...To All Employees

I have arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest away
from the dessert table and for pregnant members to sit closestg to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gays;
each group will have its own table. And, yes, there will be a flower arrangement for
the gay men's table.

Happy now?

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
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December 9...To All Employees

People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play
Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for "Santa" does happen to be "Satan."
There is no evil connation to our own little "man in a red suit."

Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director
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December 10...To All Employees

Vegetarians! I've had it with you people. We're holding this party at
Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not. You can just sit at the table
farthest from the "Grill of Death" as you call it, and you'll get salad bar only including
hydroponic tomatoes. Tomatoes have feelings too, you know. They scream when you slice
them. I can hear them now. I hope you have a rotten holiday. Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Bitch from Hell
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December 14...To All Employees

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from
her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the
sanitarium. In the meantime management has decided to cancel the Holiday Party and give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director