View Full Version : Russian humor - in translations

05-11-2003, 00:36
Ok, revisiting the subject, those that can, post some translations of jokes which do not require an explination of a play on words. :)

I'll start. From one of the voice actors on the program KUKLI.


Fire cheif walks into the hall, stops by the table where a few fire fighters are having lunch - takes a bite of some cold cuts, makes himself tea, asks how someone's wife and kids are.

Walks over tothe other side of a long table where an intense chess game is taking place - decides to help out - he is the cheif after all - moves for one, then for the other.

He looks around from left to right, fixes a photo hanging on the wall, picks ups a tissue off the floor - not being able to find anything else to occupy himeslf with speaks out ot the crew - "ok guys, I guess we should suit up or something, because you know, I got a call and the tax police building is burning."


05-11-2003, 00:54
yay good idea!

here's one that i liked, altho i think it is funnier in Russian anyway.

so this little girl comes home from school one day in tears, just horribly upset. her mother asks her what's wrong.
"all of the other kids made fun of me, they say my face looks like a butt, and they all called me assface and butthead!" she sobbed.
the mother did everything she could to console her little daughter. "what are you talking about? you're my beautiful little princess! how can they not see how pretty you are?"
so eventually the girl is once again in high spirits and decides to go outside for a walk.
outside her building, she sees an open manhole and walks up to it to look down and see what's there.
down in the bottom, there is a worker fixing something. he hears her footsteps and then looks up to see her face peering down at him and he cries out "Don't sh1t! Don't sh1t!" (не срать!)

05-11-2003, 01:03
oldie but goodie:

Uchestkovei (local cop) walks buy the playground and sees a boy stirring up sand a some dog s*it in the sand box, and asks him what he is up to. "Making a police man" - Why you little ***&*^I%$ takes him to his parents to get a good spank.

The next day, same local cop sees the same box once again mixing s*it with sand in the sand box.

"So - making a police man again?"
"Why not?!?" He asks
"Not enough s*it"!

05-11-2003, 01:35
Here are two of my favorites:

Two guys talking:
- My wife is like a bullet
- That fast, he?
- No, that stupid
(from Russian "Bullet is stupid (a fool)" Pulya dura)

How Burratino died?

Was jerking off and burnt himself

05-11-2003, 01:39
"This is your child"
"By I don't have any children!"
"Did you order a prostitute a year ago?"
"Did you manage to do it with her to the full extend?"
"Did you pay her for the services?"
"So, here's your child! "Bee Line". What you paid for - is yours forever."

05-11-2003, 10:52
An Old Ukrainian woman is riding in an elevator in a very tall skyscraper, when two young and beautiful women get into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

The little old Ukrainian Baba says, "my, what lovely aromas"!

One turns to the old Ukrainian woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Loren, $150 an ounce!"

The other young and beautiful woman also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

The little Ukrainian woman is feeling very insulted from the remarks made to her. About 3 floors later, the old Ukrainian Baba has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says... "Cabbage. 49 cents a pound."

05-11-2003, 12:46
Mother tries on a new fur coat.
Vovochka to her: -"Mommy, how can you wear this coat, don't you pity that poor animal, it suffered so much."
Mother looks at him angrily and replies: -"How dare you to say such horrible things about your father?!!"

05-11-2003, 21:08
A little boy walks in on his parents while they are having sex. He says, "And THOSE people won't let me put my FINGER in my NOSE!";)

06-11-2003, 19:49
The idiot boy series -
Idiot boy and his father go to the market. The boy breaks out crying and demanding that that his dad buys him an apple. Not wanting to wait until they get home, he get louder and more annoying, until the manager runs up to him and says, here take an apple, eat it now, just calm down - Dad asks, "well, what do you have to say?" Idiot boy answere "Hello apple."

06-11-2003, 19:50
Yeah... that just doesn't have the same jist over the internet - really go to perform the boy.