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Billie Bob
17-10-2003, 21:33
Just curious,

anyone owns any parrots here?

Stella
15-11-2003, 14:22
Do you know what Russian parrots say instead of "Polly want a cracker?":cool:

Billie Bob
15-11-2003, 14:41
Popa Horosh!

Stella
15-11-2003, 17:51
Oh! I heard it was Popka Durak! Yours is better. The saying, that is.

Alias
15-11-2003, 20:33
Originally posted by Billie Bob
Just curious,

anyone owns any parrots here?

I own one, why

Stella
15-11-2003, 21:22
As long as he's still singing, we're okay.

Billie Bob
15-11-2003, 22:10
hey alias,

what type of parrot do you have?

how many years, and how old is it? talks? chirps< sings?

:confused:

Alias
15-11-2003, 23:34
It's been with me for like, 15 years and i reckon it was at least 3 years old when i got it as it'd already had that yellowish necklace round its neck... My bird's from Ceylon. Relatively acute (if that applies to birds at all)...yet can't talk...poopie...

lochnessmonster
16-11-2003, 15:37
A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquires.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responds.
The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Free Man
16-11-2003, 22:55
I'm laughing!

:p

Billie Bob
17-11-2003, 23:22
hey alias,

I own an african grey parrot, have him(her) for over 5 years now.

great pet, can't ran him to talk too. but loves to make the darnest sounds. if he hears a whistle it goes bonkers in repeating it, and cracks, and phone sounds, tooo intense.

love it!

wish it could talk, they say, this parrot has a mind of a dolphin too, ie, they are quite intelligent.

Alias
18-11-2003, 10:28
They are cool birds. The one you have, i know, is capable of imitating lots of sounds. I had another one, this really huge parrot from Aruba who would sit on my dad's shoulder and eat from his hands; then some stupid guy said we should give it splinters so its beak remains hard, something like that..so dad did..and the poor bird choked with it and died, most stupid and sad and deplorable accident.

I'm thinking i like sloths more.

DPG
18-11-2003, 11:43
Just after a man and his wife have decided to divorce, he wins $10M on the lottery and realised that he needs to spend it in order to stop his wife getting her paws on it.

After buying a castle, ferrari, mansion in jamaica etc he still has a couple of million that he needs to spend asap. One afternoon he is strolling past a pet shop where he sees in the window a sign advertising "the world's most unique and expensive parrot for sale here!".

He pops in and asks the shop assistant about this bird - the guy tells him that it is the only parrot on earth which lays large, cuboid eggs - the guy thinks that it sounds great - his mates at the pub will love it! He asks whether the bird also speaks, but is tolds that it only says 2 words...can't have everything I guess!

He enquires as to the price and the sum of $3M changes hands. The shop assistant packs up the cage for him and on his way out of the door, the man asks "by the way, what are the 2 words it says??"

"JEEEEZZZZUSSS CHRIIIIIST!!!!!" the parrot exclaims with pain as it lays a huge, cuboid egg!

Alias
18-11-2003, 11:52
:D nice one

got more?

i mean, i'm kinda lazy to search for parrot jokes.. :-p

DPG
18-11-2003, 12:30
Too lazy to search your memory??:D I'm amazed that my memory still works after working as a teacher for almost 2 years!!!

With regret I can inform you that the above is the only joke I know which is in any way relates to parrots!!:);)

Teutonic Deity
18-11-2003, 12:46
here's another one:

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish:
"Quawwwwk...vus macht du...yeah, you...outside, standing like a schmuck...eh?"

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it!. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..."

Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"

Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"

"What did you expect? Chinese maybe?"

In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to pray too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature yamulke [skullcap] for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He was lonely no more.

One morning, on Rosh Hashona, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that a synagogue was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to the synagogue on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi. At first, he refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days but Meyer convinced him to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could pray. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT pray, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.

All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Pray already!"

The parrot said nothing.

"Pray...parrot, you can pray, so pray...come on, everybody's looking at you!"

The parrot said nothing.

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his synagogue buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, pissed off, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him.

"You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to a synagogue on Rosh Hashona, why? Why did you do this to me?"

"Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!"

Teutonic Deity
18-11-2003, 12:59
Two Irishmen were on holiday in Dover and walked into a pet shop.

The first Irishman, Patrick said to the shopkeeper " Can I please have
a dozen budgies - don't put them in a cage just put them in a box and
I'll take them with me." The shopkeeper obliged and gave him a box
with 12 budgies in it. Patrick paid for them and waited for Mick to
make his purchase.

Mick said to the shopkeeper " Can I please have a dozen parrots -
don't put them in a cage a box like the one you gave my mate will do."
So the shopkeeper put 12 parrots in a box and Mick paid for them and
the two Irishmen left the shop.

They went up to the top of the white cliffs of Dover and Patrick took
off his shirt and took out the budgies, one at a time, and selotaped
them to his arms. He taped six budgies up his left arm and six
budgies up his right arm. Next it was Mick's turn.

Mick took off his shirt and selotaped six parrots up his left arm and
six parrots up his right arm.

The two Irishmen then stood together at the top of the cliffs and
Patrick said to Mick "Are you ready Mick?" Mick replied "OK". They
both jumped off the cliff together

\..........................
\.............................................SPLATTTTTT!!!!!


After about 5 minutes the two Irishmen started to come round. Patrick
sat up and said to Mick " I don't go much on this BUDGIE JUMPING"

Mick sat up and said "No, and I don't think much of this PARROT
GLIDING either."

lochnessmonster
18-11-2003, 12:59
Well, let me help, only I have to confess, it's a parrot slightly disguised as an octopus. Will that do, DPG ?

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world.
He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him ... so he says he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet, The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.
A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look.
"Ha!", the man says, "can't you play it?"
The octopus looks up at the man and says "Play it? I'm going to s***w it as soon as I get its pajamas off.

lochnessmonster
18-11-2003, 13:23
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores. Hi George!"

DPG
18-11-2003, 13:29
I HAVE remembered another one!

An old man is sitting alone on a park bench during the summer. His military campaign medals gleaming in the sun.

A young punk sits down next to him - covered in multicoloured tattoos and with hair dyed various luminescent colours.

The old timer looks at the kid and then begins to stare at him.

The young guy looks at the old man and snorts "what are you looking at grandad?, ain't you ever seen someone with coloured hair and tattoos before?".

The old man replies "no, lad, I was just thinking that when I was in the navy in singapore I got really drunk one night and shagged a parrot - I was wondering if perhaps you were my son!!!"

Alias
18-11-2003, 14:06
LOL

Alias
18-11-2003, 14:10
i got one! looked thru old emails!

Horny Parrot

A guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, and the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.

The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine."

The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for?"

Finally, the guy says "All right" and hands over the fifteen dollars.

The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain.

Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" The cage starts shaking and feathers come flying out.

The vet says, "Holy gee," and runs across the room and opens the curtain.

The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage with one claw. With the other claw he's pulling out all her feathers. He's saying, "For fifteen bucks, I want you naked, bitch. Naked!"

lochnessmonster
18-11-2003, 19:29
OUCH!!

machine
18-11-2003, 19:58
Застойные годы, старый еврей, потратив много месяцев и обив пороги сотен кабинетов, уезжает в Израиль. Контейнер уже отправлен, сам стоит перед турникетом таможни , земля обетованная, в руке чемоданчик на плече любимый попугай, таможенник проверив в последний раз документы поднимает глаза и...
- Вы знаете живых попугаев вывозить из страны нельзя.
- Как же так любимый друг можно сказать член семьи столько лет вместе...
- Ничего не знаю вот инструкция, нельзя и все тут.
- Ну а что же делать как можно?
- Ну можно тушкой можно чучелом, а так нет.
- А...
Попугай поворачивает голову и спокойно с еврейским акцентом
- Слышь Абрам, хрен с ним, хоть тушкой, хоть чучелом, но валить отсюда надо.

Sun_rise
28-11-2003, 14:42
we have this parrot, bought it on Cuba about 20 years back from now. She's a fine female creature, never asked for a male for 15 bucks doh! her cage is always wide open and she's free to go anywhere within the apartment of course...

Anyway, not a while ago I heard this story about a guy who went on a business trip elsewhere, got himeself a big parrot, naturally got used to it, tought it to speak etc. The time came and the guy had to go back to Russia and he found out that to take the bird through the customs was next to impossible ( apparently this was quite a while ago) Anyways, so what the guy does, he buys a stuffed turtle hollow enough inside, and for two months beforehand teaches his parrot to stay there quiet without a move :D when the time comes, they go through the customs no problem….what do you think the guys at the customs see on the ‘puter - a stuffed turtle with a lot of bones inside

Billie Bob
28-11-2003, 22:50
that is funny sunrise! (svetochka)

love it, but the bones might be moving though....

:p

I own a parrot, and love it.

I still wanna teach it to talk, but thats a task in a half...
:mad:

Sun_rise
28-11-2003, 23:31
yes the bones might be moving indeed, yet that was not the case I reckon.....Who's Svetochka mind me asking? A good mate of yours I take it? ;)

Billie Bob
29-11-2003, 20:45
svet = sun (light aka sun rise?)

svetochka, laskova,

rrr.... just play'n :^)

Sun_rise
29-11-2003, 20:58
ahh pard'n my ignorance there :D I should've guessed