View Full Version : Ashes quotes - the slaughter begins in a few weeks!

27-05-2005, 22:57
A good selection of ashes quotes to get us in the right frame of mind for this years 'poms to the slaughterfest'

"A six-foot blond-haired beach bum bowling at 90mph trying to knock your head off and then telling you you're a feeble-minded tosser... where's the problem?"
Michael Atherton's view of cricket, toned down for the official website of the Professional Cricketers Association, prior to the 2001 Ashes series

"How anyone can spin a ball the width of Gatting boggles the mind."
Martin Johnson, in The Independent, on Shane Warne's ball of the century which bowled Mike Gatting in 1993

"If it had been a cheese roll, it would never have got past him."
Graham Gooch joins the fun

"A fart competing with thunder."
England in Australia in 1990-91, as assessed by their captain Graham Gooch

"McCague will go down in Test cricket history as the rat who joined the sinking ship."
Daily Telegraph Mirror in Sydney upon Martin McCague's 1993 selection for England against Australia, where he was raised and schooled

"Tufnell! Can I borrow your brain? I'm building an idiot."
One of the funnier Australian barrackers as Phil Tufnell was pilloried by the crowd in Newcastle, Ashes series, 1994-5

"Hell, Gatt, move out of the way, I can't see the stumps."
Dennis Lillee, stopping in mid-run at Lilac Hill, treats Mike Gatting to a spot of verbals for old times' sake, opening match of England's 1994-95 Ashes tour

"What do you think this is, a f***ing tea party? No you can't have a f***ing glass of water. You can f***ing wait like all the rest of us."
Allan Border, getting tough with England batsman Robin Smith, Trent Bridge Test, Australia tour of England, 1989

"There are three great international team sports in Australia: cricket, rugby (two codes), and Pom-bashing. But the greatest of these is the last, and it is time we prepared ourselves for the greatest celebration of Pom-bashing since Bodyline, the 1930s cricket tour that became an international incident. That one rankles to this day and is otherwise known as the longest whinge in sporting history."
The Times's Simon Barnes anticipates an upturn in anti-English feeling in the Australian media ahead of the rugby World Cup final

"I dunno. Maybe it's that tally-ho lads attitude. You know, there'll always be an England, all that Empire crap they dish out. But I never could cop Poms."
Jeff Thomson Australian fast bowler, 1987

"All the never-say-die qualities of a kamikaze pilot."
England's cricketers in the 1990s, as seen by an Australian journalist

"If you're playing against the Australians, you don't walk."
Ian Botham, in court during Imran Khan libel action, 1996. Not walking had been suggested as an example of unreliable character

"England have only three major problems. They can't bat, they can't bowl and they can't field."
Martin Johnson's famed assessment in The Independent at the start of England's tour of Australia 1986-7. England's recovery to win the Ashes later led Johnson to remark: "Right quote; wrong team."

"Come on Brearley, for God's sake! You make Denness look like Don Bradman."
Melbourne barracker, not finding Mike Brearley to his tastes, Australia vs England, 1978-9

"Chappell was a coward. He needed a crowd around him before he would say anything. He was sour like milk that had been sitting in the sun for a week."
Ian Chappell slated by Ian Botham

"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if Thomson don't get ya, Lillee must."
The dominance of Australian fast bowlers Dennis Lillee and Jeff Thomson, captured in a Sydney Telegraph cartoon caption, 1975

"Don't give the bastard a drink. Let him die of thirst."
Douglas Jardine's favourite piece of barracking from Sydney crowd during Bodyline series, 1932-33

"A cricket tour in Australia would be the most delightful period in your life ... if you were deaf."
Harold Larwood England's main fast bowler on the Bodyline tour. He later emigrated to Australia

"All Australians are an uneducated and unruly mob."
Douglas Jardine to Stork Hendry, Australia's wicketkeeper, during the Bodyline series

"I don't want to see you Mr Warner. There are two teams out there; one is trying to play cricket and the other is not."
Bill Woodfull, Australia's captain, to Pelham Warner, the England manager, during the nadir of the Bodyline series at Adelaide

"If we don't beat you, we'll knock your bloody heads off."
Bill Voce England fast bowler, to Vic Richardson at the start of the Bodyline series

"Well, we shall win the Ashes but we may lose a Dominion."
Rockley Wilson. former first-class cricketers and Douglas Jadrine's coach at Winchester, on hearing that Jardine would captain MCC in Australia, 1932-3

"I am not talking to anyone in the British media they are all pricks."
Allan Border Australia's captain, at a press conference at Hove in 1993

"Hey, hey, hey, hey! I'm f***ing talking to you. Come here, come here, come here, come here...Do that again and you're on the next plane home, son...What was that? You f***ing test me and you'll see."
Border, on the same tour, in a mid-pitch exchange with Craig McDermott at Taunton. McDermott asked to bowl at the other end

"In my day 58 beers between London and Sydney would have virtually classified you as a teetotaller."
Ian Chappell on being informed that David Boon had consumed 58 beers on team flight to England in 1989. Boon claimed that he was afraid of flying

"With the possible exception of Rolf Harris, no other Australian has inflicted more pain and grief on Englishmen since Don Bradman."
The Daily Mirror's Mike Walters reflects on Steve Waugh's retirement

27-05-2005, 23:59
"With the possible exception of Rolf Harris, no other Australian has inflicted more pain and grief on Englishmen since Don Bradman."

mate, i wheezed my way through that - classic!

28-05-2005, 10:11
wow hats off

Lady Marmalade
28-05-2005, 10:20
Spruce Goose, are you really in opal country, you know, north of Coober Pedy?

28-05-2005, 19:56
well actually now I am right here in Moscba. But I certainly was in that country and know the area well. Why? looking for opals? I have been thinking of trying to import the things myself.

29-05-2005, 12:25
Cricket Quotes

"You know you're in Melbourne when you're walking through the park and you see someone kicking the footy with cricket pads on." - Hung Le

"Butcher plays this off the black foot." - Brian Johnston, BBC

"What a magnificent shot! No, he's out." - Tony Greig.

"Now, Pakistan are in real trouble." - Tony Greig, with Pakistan on 9/58

"If you ever captain Australia, don't do it like a Victorian." Vic Richardson, former Australian Test captain, to his grandson Ian Chappell.

"I doubt if many of my contemporaries, especially the older ones, did many exercises. I have often tried to picture (Godfrey) Evans and (Denis) Compton doing press-ups in the out field before the day's play, but so far have failed miserably." - Peter May

"Cricket needs brightening up a bit. My solution is to let players drink at the beginning of the game, not after. It always works in our picnic matches." - Paul Hogan

"I put my heart, soul and tears into the game and this is what I get. I don't know what to do. My wife can't sleep at night. I hold my daughter all night. I am ashamed I played cricket." - Kapil Dev on the betting scandal

"I didn't drop my pants and moon the crowd; I just went a little bit over the top. I carried on like a pork chop, but the bottom line was I didn't do anything wrong." - Shane Warne on his balcony celebrations after the win at Trent Bridge in 1997

"There is, of course, a world of difference between cricket and the movie business ... I suppose doing a love scene with Racquel Welch roughly corresponds to scoring a century be fore lunch." - Oliver Reed

"Welcome to Worcester where we have just seen Barry Richards hit one of Basil D'Oliveira's balls clean out of the ground." - Brian Johnston

"Geoffrey is the only fellow I've met who fell in love with himself at a young age and has remained faithful ever since." - Dennis Lillee (in jest) on Geoff Boycott

"You'll never die of a stroke, Mackay." - fan jeering the slow batting of Ken 'Slasher' Mackay

"Off the field, he could be your life-long buddy, but out in the middle, he had all the loveable qualities of a demented rhinoceros." - Colin McCool of Bill O'Reilly

"It's tough for a natural hooker to give it up." - Ian Chappell

"The selectors are full of sh!t." - Chris Lewis on not being picked in 1998

"They might as well bulldoze Lord's. I'll never go there again." - Unnamed MCC member after a vote to admit women to the 211-year old club

"Srikkanth is a vegetarian. If he swallows a fly he will be in trouble." -Sunil Gavaskar

"Have nothing to do with coaches. In fact, if you should see one coming, go and hide behind the pavilion until he goes away." - Bill O'Reilly

"I was once offered a Foster's (beer) from someone over the fence, but it was warmer and frothier than a Foster's." -Bob Willis

"As in life so in death lies a bat of renown, Slain by a lorry (three ton); His innings is over, his bat is laid down; To the end a poor judge of a run." - gravestone in England

"Pakistan is the sort of place every man should send his mother-in-law, for a month, with all expenses paid." - Ian Botham

"A very small crowd here today. I can count the people on one hand. Can't be more than 30." - Michael Abrahamson, SABC.

"If there were 22 Trevor Baileys playing in a match, who would ever go and watch it?" - Arthur Morris

"I'm very concerned for our middle order. We've already called on the immediate next people down, so who do you go to next? I've got a four year old son who might like a go." - N ew Zealand captain Ken Rutherford after a big defeat by Australia in 1993

"If there is a game that attracts the half-baked theorists more than cricket, I have yet to hear of it." - Fred Trueman

"Cricket is basically baseball on valium." - Robin Williams

"I watch cricket, and my idea of a Merv Hughes moustache is that it sweeps back a bit." - Ivan Milat

"On the outfield, hundreds of small boys are playing with their balls." - Rex Alston, BBC

"There were congratulations and high sixes all round." - Richie Benaud

"I knocked his helmet straight off his head." It went to pieces and blood came out ... I thought it was brains coming out. I think he was pretty happy to be alive." - Jeff Thomso n talking of the first time he bowled to New Zealand's Martin Crowe

"It was close for Zaheer. Lawson threw his hands in the air and Marsh threw his head in the air." - Jack Potter

"That was a magnificent #@*^!% shot!" - the excitable Bill Lawry

"Hogg suggested we survey the back of the Adelaide Oval, and I don't think he had a tennis match on his mind." - Graham Yallop on a difference of opinion with his teammate Rodney Hogg in 1979

"Cricket is the easiest sport in the world to take over. Nobody bothered to pay the players what they were worth." - Kerry Packer in 1977.

"I've seen batting all over the world. And in other countries, too." - Keith Miller

"Yorkshire all out 232, Hutton ill! I'm sorry.Hutton 111" - BBC news announcer

"Playing against a team with Ian Chappell as captain turns a cricket match into gang warfare." - Mike Brearley

"When you win the toss - bat. If you are in doubt, think about it, then bat. If you have very big doubts, consult a colleague - then bat." - WG Grace

"I condone anyone who tampers with the ball." - Allan Lamb, who may just have meant 'condemn'

"Border was facing a four-paced prong attack." - Dave Renneberg, ABC Radio

"We're not exactly quaking in our boots." - Mark Waugh on hearing of England's series win over South Africa

"When Merv leaves school, he is going to have to be very good at football and cricket." - Merv Hughes' fifth form geography report

17-06-2005, 21:46
cant wait for the ashes especially with somerset beating em!!!! bring on the Aussies....know where i,m watching it!!!

18-06-2005, 00:22
cant wait for the ashes especially with somerset beating em!!!! bring on the Aussies....know where i,m watching it!!!

Got to build up the odds with John from India somehow.............................

Man wearing a safari suit, walking across a field talking to a camera - Camera follows before panning around to a cricket field in the middle of which is a small urn containing burnt ashes:

"Today on 'creatures of the world around us' we have a real treat for you! A creature that hasnt been seen for nearly twenty years"

He steps closer and begins to crouch, almost whispering as he approaches the boundary line with a solitary individual unwrapping some freshly washed sandwiches and taking some beer cans out of the pockets of his sports coat where they have been kept warm overnight

'You dont often see these, and in fact it was believed for some time that, in common with English sporting success of any kind, they may have become extinct, due largely to global warming and the fast bouncy pitches this tends to produce, coupled with the incapacity of english batsmen to play anything harder than a custard pie or anything faster than Derek Pringle.'

The camera switches back to the individual who is now fixing a handkerchief to his head.

'However in the aftermath of victories of Bangladesh and Zimbabwe, its been discovered that they do still exist! But even then its extremely uncommon to sight one prior to an ashes series against Australia.'

The camera switches back again to the individual who is now rolling his trouser legs up to his knees, revealing legs of such alabaster whiteness they have an aura of almost blue, despite it being only 12 degrees and overcast.

'But today boys and girls we have found one! And its out in conditions which could see it with a few problems, we'll see how it handles them!'

Camera pans across the ground to see two men emanating from a pavillion on the far side wearing more protective gear than the michelin man, and who's faces betray the grey stoicism of those who are somehow doomed to play the occasional delivery with parts of their body, and who's speciality is the gentle half step forward to the sharply lifting delivery which hits them in the head.

'Yes its a real treat today, because we are going to see it right at its best before the series gets too far underway and they go back into hibernation again. Today on 'Creatures of the world around us' we have.....'

Camera cuts back to individual who is now standing up with freshly opened warm beer frothing everywhere out of the top, but who puts his other hand to his mouth and calls out loudly 'C'mon England!'

'.....the Cocky Pom!'

Ned Kelly
18-06-2005, 21:21
:nut: er mate, we just lost to bangladesh!

18-06-2005, 23:48
:nut: er mate, we just lost to bangladesh!

sometimes you really have to put in to build up the odds with John from India

19-06-2005, 11:57
Yup, add this as an Ashes quote:

:nut: er mate, we just lost to bangladesh!

19-06-2005, 22:36
I might whip over to england and join the fellas. It would seem they are having an absolute ball. Simmo getting some quality time after a night on the turps, and warney just being ........................Warney.

Woman claims Warne badgered her into sex
June 19, 2005 - 8:05PM
The Age, Melbourne

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An English woman has accused Australian Test star Shane Warne of badgering her to have sex after a night out in London in April.

Laura Sayers, 25, has told London's tabloid Sunday Mirror that she did not know who Warne - a married father of three - was when she met him and was disappointed in his brief performance in bed.

It was the latest sex scandal to surround Warne after his text message scandal with British nurse Donna Wright in 2000 and later accusations he had an affair with stripper Angela Gallagher.

Sayers said she met Warne through one of her friends who was dating Warne's Hampshire teammate Kevin Pietersen, and the four went out to a nightclub and then Pietersen's flat.

"The first thing (Warne) said was 'How about a foursome?'," Sayers said, adding that she was offended by the comment and told him off.

The group returned to Pietersen's flat, where Sayers said the cricketer again asked her to have sex.

"I told him I didn't want to, but he was very persistent," Sayers said.

AdvertisementShe said that at one point Warne went into a bedroom and called out for her to join him.

"I walked into the bedroom and told him I wasn't interested in having sex with him.

"He took off all his clothes and I asked him if he had a condom - I guessed he didn't so I thought that would be the end of it."

But she said Warne left the room and returned with a condom at which point " ... I just gave in".

Sayers said she had wanted to keep their encounter private.

"It was supposed to be a private thing, but Shane told some of his cricketing friends and suddenly I had all these people calling me about it," she said.

"They wanted to know who I'd told and where I live - they told me if his wife found out it would ruin his life."

The newspaper said Warne's wife Simone and their three children joined Warne in Southampton last week.

Warne's brother and manager Jason Warne said he was trying to contact the spinner about the allegations and would not comment until they had spoken.

He was also seeking a full copy of the article.