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Shatneresque
03-05-2005, 13:04
A Texan goes to a floor show in a Las Vegas casino and is smitten with one of the showgirls. Afterwards, he sends his personal representative backstage to invite her to come on his yacht for a month for a private Caribbean cruise.

She replies: "Tell your boss I'll come with him on three conditions. First, I want a brand-new Porsche 911, in jet black with red trim. Second, I want a brand-new fur coat and diamond jewelry to go along with it. Third, he has to have eight inches."

The representative goes back to deliver his report to his boss. The next night, he's back in the showgirl's dressing room.

"Well, ma'am," he says, "Here in the envelope are the keys and title to your Porsche 911, and here in the boxes are your new fur coat and diamond jewelry. And the boss says that, if you really insist, he'll see a plastic surgeon and have him do something about those extra two inches!"


:p :p :p :p :p

Kingwillhe
03-05-2005, 13:25
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation, where he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field.

The Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large back home."

They walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.

The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows back home."

The conversation has almost died, when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.

He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers back home?"

Shatneresque
03-05-2005, 13:41
A Texan is visiting Paris and suddenly has the urge to relieve himself, so he enters one of the city's many public urinals.

As he's standing there, he thumbs through his guidebook with one hand and decides he wants to see the Eiffel Tower next. He can't quite make out how to get there, though, and decides to ask the little Frenchman standing beside him for directions.

"Say, bo!" says the Texan, nudging the Parisian with his elbow.

The Frenchman looks up, looks down again, and shakes his head in amazed admiration. "C'est beau? C'EST BEAU?!? Oho, mon ami, c'est magnifique!"

Kingwillhe
03-05-2005, 14:13
A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, "Yes ma'am, ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit."
Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where he would like to start?"
"Well ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes sir, what size?"
"Size 53 ... tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes."
"What size?"
"Size 15 ... double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes sir, what size?"
"Nineteen and a half ... 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew ... is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
Well she tallied up his bill while the Texan was counting out his money. She asked, "Sir could I ask you a question?"
"Yes ma'am, I already know what it is and the answer is four inches."
She is astonished and blurts out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "Across ma'am?"

Shatneresque
03-05-2005, 14:17
Yup! Yup, yup, yup!!! :respect: