View Full Version : Emo Philips funnies

Sidney Bliss
07-04-2005, 09:57
"People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."

"I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."

"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil."

"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."

"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."

"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."

"I'm a great lover, I'll bet."

"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."

"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."

"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

"The other day a woman came up to me and said, 'Didn't I see you on television?' I said, 'I don't know. You can't see out the other way'."

07-04-2005, 10:51
Deep Thoughts (http://www.pencible.com/dt/)

Lots and lots and lots. . .