View Full Version : British Revocation Order

30-03-2005, 09:15
Message from John Clease to the Citizens of the U.S.A.:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the United States, and thus govern yourselves.

We hereby give you notice of REVOCATION of your Independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume all monarchial duties forthwith. Over all States, Commonwealths, and Territories. With the exception of Kansas, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a Governer for America, without the need for further elections

Congress and the Senate, will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated to determine if any of you American Citizens noticed any difference.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules will be introduced with immediate effect.

1) You must look up Revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary.

2) Then look up "aluminium" and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

3) The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' 'neighbour' and 'colour'.

4) The letters and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix "ise".

6) Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

7) There will no longer be such a thing as "American English". We will also take it upon ourselves to let Microsoft know on your behalf.

8) Microsoft spell -checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated "U" and the elimination of "ize".

9) You will relearn your original National Anthem God Save The Queen.

10) 4th July will no longer celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new National Holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day.

11) You will learn to resolve personal differences without using guns. lawyers, or therapists.
The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists, shows you are not mature enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults, if you're not adult enough to solve your problems without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you have proven you are not adult enough to carry a firearm.

!2) Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. ( But a permit WILL be required to carry a vegetable peeler in public )

13) Driving on the left hand side of the road (the correct side) will come into immediate effect.

14)Traffic light controlled intersections will be replaced immediately with roundabouts.

15) Metric will be introduced forthwith, and without benefit of conversion charts.
( Both roundabouts and Metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour )

16) the former US of A will adopt British prices on petrol. (Which you have been calling gasoline, and will be roughly $12.00 US a gallon...........get used to it.

17) You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries ARE NOT real chips. And those things you insist on calling potatoe chips are properly called "crisps" real chips are cut thick and deep fried, and dressed not with catsup, but with vinegar.

18) Beer.........henceforth only British Bitter Beer will be referred to as beer. European brews of known accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. the piss weak American brews will be referred to as "Near Frozen Gnats Wee" so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

19) Hollywood Will cast occasionally English actors as the "Good Guys" They will also cast English actors as English actors. Watching Andie MacDowel's attempt at English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

20) American "football" will cease to exist
proper football is called soccer, and those of you brave enough will be allowed in time to play rugby which is similar to American "football" but does not involve stopping to rest every 20 seconds, or the wearing of full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies.

21)The playing of Baseball will cease. It is not reasobable to host an event called the World Series for a game not played outside America, even though 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders

22) You MUST tell who killed JFK its driving us mad

23) A Tax Collector from Her Majesty's Government (ie. Internal Revenue Agent) will call on you shortly......all monies due will be backdated to1776

Thank you for your co-operation

30-03-2005, 10:17
Mr Clease

In light of the fact that your country has never been able to elect a president of any kind leaves us somewhat amazed that you should pass judgement on our ability to do so.
But we do have some questions,

1. Do you intend to return us to the native American Indians as you did Hong Kong to the Chinese?

2. Will you start requiring visas for us as you do the Austrailians?

and perhaps most importantly

3. Will you also require us to give up our position as world leader economically, politically and militarily?

30-03-2005, 16:38
Caveman: That was really funny... BACK IN 2000 when it first came out. Get some new material, comrade.

30-03-2005, 16:40

30-03-2005, 17:48
OK OK shoot the caveman down.....

Can't you ppl see the funny side of it, during this miserable spring days....