View Full Version : Virus Alert

24-03-2005, 09:51
Virus alert.

There is a new virus: code name is "work." If you receive "work," from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail or any where else, do not touch "work" under any circumstances!! This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with this virus, put on your jacket and take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Order three beers and after repeating 14 times, you will find that "work" has been completely deleted from your brain.

Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected by this virus and "work" already controls your whole life. This virus is deadly. Please pay close attention to it and take heed.

24-03-2005, 09:57
The Russian Central Bank has announced they are recalling the new 10 ruble coins.

"We are recalling all of the new 10 ruble coins that were recently issued," CB spokesman Egor Sidorov said in a press conference Monday. "This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the coins will not work in vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."

The winning design for the 10 Ruble coin was submitted by Spartak fan Vasily Veselov.

"We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said Sidorov. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two 2-Ruble, one 1-ruble and one 5 rouble coin together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

24-03-2005, 10:02
How Long Must This Go On?

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat; I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it.

When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

24-03-2005, 10:07

A good looking biker stops by the Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. Next, he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem, how to carry all of his purchases home.

The owner said, "Put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand."

"Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.

But in the parking lot, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes, Lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

24-03-2005, 10:08
Pfizer Corp. (NYSE: PFE) is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi Bottling Group NYSE: PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do".

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests, "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one."

24-03-2005, 10:11
The typewriter was invented by Hungarian immigrant Qwert Yuiop, who left his "signature" on the keyboard.

24-03-2005, 10:13
George W. Bush not only smiles and waves nicely, always knows the right thing to say, too!

Bush and the Queen at London Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses.

As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well.

But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and other islands.

It shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous.

She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept myregrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."

24-03-2005, 10:22
A detective was interviewing 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture of a suspect for 5 seconds and then hides it.

"That was your suspect, can you describe him from memory?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we would catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he asks the second blonde into his office and flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the her and asks,"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He couldn't possibly wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

24-03-2005, 10:25
An Irish priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions...A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession - "Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession. These are my

sins:Last night I had sex with Fanny Green."

"That is your sin?"

"Yes, Father."

"Go out and say one "Our Father."" The man leaves.

Soon, another enters and kneels. "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Fanny Green every week for the last month."

The priest thinks to himself this Fanny Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners..

"Those are your sins?"

"Yes, Father."

"Go out and say three "Hail Mary's."" The man leaves.

Soon, another enters and kneels down. "Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the last six months."

This time, the priest has to ask - "Who is this Fanny Green?"

"Just a woman I know, Father."

"Very well. Go out and say ten "Hail Mary's."" The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Fanny Green woman is and how she can be in his parish without being known to him...

Sunday morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors open in the back of the chapel and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a short green sequined dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.

The priest can't help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy, "Is that Fanny Green?"

The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think that's just a reflection from the stainglass window".

Ned Kelly
24-03-2005, 10:34
hal, you're an ace, that just brightened my morning!

24-03-2005, 10:44
John goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" The Priest asks.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language today and I feel so terrible."

"Why don't you tell me what happened. What made you use such awful language?" asked the Priest.

"Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but the ball hit a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards."

"Is this when you swore?" asked the Priest.

"No Father," said the man, "You see, after that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"And this is when you swore?" asked the Father again.

"No, not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this eagle came down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"And it was then that you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.

"No, not yet," replied the man, "just as the eagle was flying away with the squirrel, he flew towards a wooded area next to the green. And as he passed over it,the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear then, my son?" asked the now impatient Priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and then rolled through a sand trap, onto the green, and stopped dead 13 inches from the hole!"

The priest sighed and rolled his eyes, "Oh my God, you missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?"

24-03-2005, 10:51
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!"

The doctors replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."

The guys says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money, that way. No need to operate!"

"Oh thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself."

24-03-2005, 15:40
Funny ehhh!!;)

24-03-2005, 18:38
brilliant. needed a wake me up :)

24-03-2005, 23:18
OK - here is one i found the other day:

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka."
Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks and the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."