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koba65
12-03-2005, 16:09
Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that Ahmed will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka - over time. Just remind them that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" - wasn't that how you put it?

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching. Good luck!

Cordially...Your Buddy,

Don Rumsfeld

Bluebird
12-03-2005, 18:13
Originally posted by koba65
Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that Ahmed will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka - over time. Just remind them that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" - wasn't that how you put it?

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching. Good luck!

Cordially...Your Buddy,

Don Rumsfeld Nothing about this new prgramme on Google...Lot's of things about Lark topics, and Lark birds though. Nothing about this "LARK Programme" in The Washington Post either...

However, however, there IS this gem of an article, in today's The Washington Post; entitled:

Rumsfeld Seeks to Move More Detainees
State Department Urged to Press Countries to Take Custody of Their Nationals.

NB. Anyone who wants to read the article or any other Washington Post stories, only needs to register with their e-mail address. Subscrition is entierly free of charge.

Associated Press
Saturday, March 12, 2005; Page A14

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A28121-2005Mar11.html?referrer=email

Nice parody here, though Koba....As usual, well-written, just a "little" on the provocative side, and a trite entertaining, at least; on a cold, windy and, snow-swept Saturday afternoon, to read....:)

Bluebird
12-03-2005, 18:18
[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by koba65. Sorry, pressed the wrong button....There you go Koba....Getting me all steamed up.:cool: :D

ghost 6-3
12-03-2005, 21:02
You've convinced me: They should be denied rights under the Geneva Conventions. Indeed, they should have no rights not granted to them by our President.

We should make it perfectly clear, however, why this is happening (they are bad people), and that this does not free our foes from their obligations to treat captured Americans in accordance with international law.

I'm sure they, and the rest of the world, clearly understand this.

yankee@moscow
13-03-2005, 11:00
I've got about 5 people that I'd like to personally volunteer for that duty!

I can paraphrase the article in 3 words, "Nobody likes whiners!"

koba65
13-03-2005, 12:00
The LARK program is off of the site www.snopes.com - some in the States actually thought it was a real letter/program and called the government to inquire about it.

Bluebird
13-03-2005, 14:22
Applications are invited, for new posts being created, within the Guantanomo Bay Prison Service.

Requirements for the new postions are as follows:

You will show a complete and blind willingness to obey and fulfill orders, from the top - no matter what your opinions and (better) judgement(s) may be.

You must be of good physical stature and stamina, as you may be required to give beatings to your charges, for long and sustained perionds of time.

A good level of intellect, is not important, as training in total subserviance will be given.

A BA in how to administer electro-shock therapy could, however, be a big plus, and would be highly desirable - on a need-to basis. This could, require many hours of overtime.

Frequent cigarette breaks are actively encouraged, and you may use any part of your charges body, as an ashtray, at your sole discretion, as an added bonus.

You could also, on completion of training, be required to fly to other parts of the world, in unmarked planes, to act in the capacity of consultant/administrator, to our other far-flung, global, enterprises and partners. - adhering to the (above) requirements.

This would be to ensure that prisoner (both physiscal and mental) torture level requirements and standards, be strictly maintained - at all times.

Disclaimer. Although, you will (ultimately) be reporting to Mr. D. Rumsfield, he will not accept any responsibility for death and/or (exposed stories, to the press/media) of torture of inmates, whilst in your charge.

You will, therefore, be expected to take and accept full responsiblity and a possible prison sentence, in his place; ranging from two - five years. Although, this could be substantially shortened for good behaviour. However, you will have a criminal record, for the rest of your life, as a result, and this could affect your status and credit subjectivity.

peyote
14-03-2005, 19:35
koba, i give a flat pickle about the bad guys in gitmo. what i'm concern is the principle here....

C can decide whether D gets rights or not based on X.

now, take a look at the principle working in real life: Castro has decided Dissidents will not have judicial rights because X [they are in complicity with the big evil america and want to destabilise the country bla bla bla...]

sadly i am not making this up. castro just said it a few days back. he even mentioned guantanamo as a cover.

i can only thank mr dumbsfeld!

btw, funny sfuff...

on a ligher note... " can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers..." i'd give hollywood some credit on that one ;)

Bluebird
14-03-2005, 21:50
Originally posted by peyote
koba, i give a flat pickle about the bad guys in gitmo. what i'm concern is the principle here....

C can decide whether D gets rights or not based on X.

now, take a look at the principle working in real life: Castro has decided Dissidents will not have judicial rights because X [they are in complicity with the big evil america and want to destabilise the country bla bla bla...]

sadly i am not making this up. castro just said it a few days back. he even mentioned guantanamo as a cover.

i can only thank mr dumbsfeld!

btw, funny sfuff...

on a ligher note... " can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers..." i'd give hollywood some credit on that one ;) Peyote, I 100% agree with that...Well said.