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Jay1
23-02-2010, 20:36
Am I just unlucky, or is it normal for Russian grandparents not to realise that spoiling grandchildren for prolonged periods isn’t particularly great for their characters? Ok. I know it’s normal for an afternoon, but my in-laws insist on staying with us for weeks/months at a time!! :zoom:

Ed.
23-02-2010, 20:39
Am I just unlucky, or is it normal for Russian grandparents not to realise that spoiling grandchildren for prolonged periods isn’t particularly great for their characters …..! Ok. I know it’s normal for an afternoon, but they insist on staying with us for weeks/months at a time!! :zoom:

sorry, i didn't find a question...

J.D.
23-02-2010, 21:12
From what I understand extremely long stays are the norm.

nbogaard
24-02-2010, 09:22
Am I just unlucky, or is it normal for Russian grandparents not to realise that spoiling grandchildren for prolonged periods isn’t particularly great for their characters? Ok. I know it’s normal for an afternoon, but my in-laws insist on staying with us for weeks/months at a time!! :zoom:

You have to be firm with them. We never gave my daughter sweets and I remember on her 4th birthday, we had a very nice cake and when she tasted it, made a face and said, "не вкусно!", her grandmother started following her around the room trying to get her to eat it. I explained that she doesn't care for sweets because we don't give them to her and that there were worse things in the world than for her not to develop a taste for sweets. She kept following my daughter until I finally just told her to stop. Of course, once my daughter started school, she developed that taste and now begs like any other kid.

tvadim133
24-02-2010, 12:29
Am I just unlucky, or is it normal for Russian grandparents not to realise that spoiling grandchildren for prolonged periods isn’t particularly great for their characters? Ok. I know it’s normal for an afternoon, but my in-laws insist on staying with us for weeks/months at a time!! :zoom:

It is normal, unfortunately.

Grandparents are people, who "love" and "pamper" kids more then parents (if it is possible to say).

It is normal from the point of view of phycology (in Russia and some other countries, at least).

Just try to talk to your parents to make arrangements or rules in your family in explaining why you need to follow these rules and taking into considreation their opinions.

It works in majority of cases.

Matt24
24-02-2010, 14:08
Am I just unlucky, or is it normal for Russian grandparents not to realise that spoiling grandchildren for prolonged periods isn’t particularly great for their characters? Ok. I know it’s normal for an afternoon, but my in-laws insist on staying with us for weeks/months at a time!! :zoom:

my deepest sympathy, does sound like you've got logistical issues, either your apartment is too big, or your in-laws live at the wrong distance, we bought grandma an apartment in the adjacent city to our datcha, which leaves her about 80km outside of the MKAD - If she does struggle into town, I always drive her home - I get points for being the devoted son-in-law, and her visits are always controlled. We tend never to let our son spend extended time alone with grandma, hours, half days but never whole days, or weeks.

One of the key learnings was not to resist conflict at an early stage - and when dealing with Grandma, go a bit cave man, she and I had a stand up close to fist fight when our boy was about 2 - something along the lines of 'My son/my apartment, my rules, stick to them or F*** off!' her reaction was "Oi what a man, I never knew, why didn't you say something earlier' - 2 years of frustration took half a year to cure, but now life is sweet, my Serbian neighbour assures me that he had this same conversation with Mother in law on the way to the hospital with wife for first child and never had any pain. Grandpa is a different matter, he kind of understands the territorial issues and keeps his spoiling covert.

My own mother is an Italian and a complete nightmare, so it's absolutely not a 'Russian' grandparents issue.

Matt

Viola
24-02-2010, 14:25
Am I just unlucky, or is it normal for Russian grandparents not to realise that spoiling grandchildren for prolonged periods isn’t particularly great for their characters? Ok. I know it’s normal for an afternoon, but my in-laws insist on staying with us for weeks/months at a time!! :zoom:

Seems you need to sort it out with your wife. Perhaps she feels comfortable when her parents are close to her. Its typical for traditional Russian families when several generations live together.

rosieredwood
24-02-2010, 16:21
Over the years that I have lived here, I have seen (and experienced first hand) just how horribly spoiled Russian kids are. The vast majority of them are like spoiled rich kids, getting whatever they want, whenever they want. In fact, their mantra is "Ya khochu!"; not "Mozhno mne?" or some other polite request.

Parents/Grandparents think they're "helping" the kid, but, really, they're just pampering and isolating the kid from learning life skills and how to help himself. It's really very detrimental to the kid's development. Indeed, it is more difficult to nurture a kid properly rather than simply give him what he want's all the time.

I've had many an argument with my mother-in-law about this. You just have to put your foot down -- hard.

len
24-02-2010, 16:41
are you using you kids as an excuse to kick out your inlaws? if you dont like it, point it out, through your wife ofcourse.:)



Am I just unlucky, or is it normal for Russian grandparents not to realise that spoiling grandchildren for prolonged periods isn’t particularly great for their characters? Ok. I know it’s normal for an afternoon, but my in-laws insist on staying with us for weeks/months at a time!! :zoom:

len
24-02-2010, 16:46
when you said "From what I understand" do you mean russians love visiting or his inlows love visiting. from what i know russians dont like visiting. true?



From what I understand extremely long stays are the norm.

tvadim133
24-02-2010, 19:29
Over the years that I have lived here, I have seen (and experienced first hand) just how horribly spoiled Russian kids are. The vast majority of them are like spoiled rich kids, getting whatever they want, whenever they want. In fact, their mantra is "Ya khochu!"; not "Mozhno mne?" or some other polite request.

Parents/Grandparents think they're "helping" the kid, but, really, they're just pampering and isolating the kid from learning life skills and how to help himself. It's really very detrimental to the kid's development. Indeed, it is more difficult to nurture a kid properly rather than simply give him what he want's all the time.

I've had many an argument with my mother-in-law about this. You just have to put your foot down -- hard.

There are different opinions about it... I would say that my parents spoiled me very much when I was very young (like 3-6 y.o.). But they just showed me theur love, their defendent, their care. and it worked and helped when I grew up.

What I think. there should be a balance and if a child just play up, it should be stopped. that's more children are very good manipulators (they learn it very fast) and smart parents are those who should identificate if a child starts just manilupating them.

To keep a child in hard hands can harm more! That is one of the reason of children's aggressions

Jay1
24-02-2010, 20:38
My Russian wife won't question her father’s actions (he’s ex red army officer stock and doesn’t listen to anybody). She knows I’m right , when I point out that my starchy English table manners have completely vanished and our daughter has overnight become rude, spoilt and somewhat hyperactive with their constant attention….!

I guess this problem could happen in any country, but my main concern is that ‘Dedoo’ & ‘Baboo’ might fancy making the visits more permanent :suspect:

tvadim133
24-02-2010, 20:46
, but my main concern is that ‘Dedoo’ & ‘Baboo’ might fancy making the visits more permanent :suspect:

Try to talk to your wife and to explaine to her gently.

The connection between children and parents can be very strong here and a the daughter can really be happy with the visits of the parents.

So try to talk to her how to illiminate the possible bad impact of grandma.

Again you (all parts) can find rules of behavour (but that is not so simle as it is written).

I do think that for kids it is very important to have got babas and dedas as well.

Viola
24-02-2010, 20:52
My Russian wife won't question her father’s actions (he’s ex red army officer stock and doesn’t listen to anybody). She knows I’m right , when I point out that my starchy English table manners have completely vanished and our daughter has overnight become rude, spoilt and somewhat hyperactive with their constant attention….!

I guess this problem could happen in any country, but my main concern is that ‘Dedoo’ & ‘Baboo’ might fancy making the visits more permanent :suspect:

Seems she is young and still lives in her parents family, not in your (you, she and your daughter) family. She needs to cut the navel-string.

J.D.
25-02-2010, 08:31
when you said "From what I understand" do you mean russians love visiting or his inlows love visiting. from what i know russians dont like visiting. true?

Stories from friends and neighbors, tv shows, etc.
I don't have a mother-inlaw, and my father inlaw came to stay for a couple of weeks while his new flat was being finished and that turned into nine months. But it was because of a delay in his building getting finished, so not exactly the same thing.

nbogaard
25-02-2010, 09:10
I must be lucky. My tyoshe would not even dream of coming over uninvited and, at most, she comes by once a month for a couple of hours. My wife's father has been to visit four or maybe five times in our 11 1/2 year marriage.