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Kshisya
20-09-2004, 14:54
:rolleyes: okay the time for anoter contest to keep your brain busy! :D

The one who sends me the funniest PM will get a prize (i'm thinking the options over ;))
The shy ones can post their masterpieces in public! ;)

2 PMs/3 public posts per individual (I MEAN IT!!)is the maximum number of jokes/comments to be admitted to the contest!

timeline - one week - Friday 24th we'll know who's getting prize! :D

it can be ANYTHING - phrase, story, joke, word, comment - just make me giggle! :p

PRIZE - $20 coupon for drinks in Albion on any day!

*$20 in Albion = 7 (!!!!!:D) Stary Melnik or

5 Warsteiner
or
7 CoronaS
or
5-7 non alcoholic beverages
or
2 J.Walker Black
or
5 J. Walker Red
or
1 J. Wlker Gold (+ Cola :suspect:)
or
5 JackS
or
6 MartiniS
or
3 SexES on the Beach
or
3 Bacardi 8 Years
or
3 White Russians

85StonePolarBear
20-09-2004, 15:01
Is that 2 PM's and 3 public posts per individual, or either/or? What about those of us with chronic multiple online personality syndrome?

Kshisya
20-09-2004, 15:03
1. sorry I won't answer your PMs as it is not realistic :D i'll tell results on Friday!

2. dont ya forget that posting in public you contribute not only to MY giggles but to EVERYBODY's giggles so don't be BORES and move ya fingers! ;)

Kshisya
20-09-2004, 15:05
Originally posted by 85StonePolarBear
Is that 2 PM's and 3 public posts per individual, or either/or? What about those of us with chronic multiple online personality syndrome?

it is 3 posts maximum - 3 in public, 2 PMs + 1 public, 1 PM+2 public :rolleyes:

as for syndrome I will delete the "wierd ones" :p

85StonePolarBear
20-09-2004, 15:07
Originally posted by Kshisya

as for syndrome I will delete the "wierd ones"

...........removing all sixty-nine of his identities from the contest............. ;) ;) ;)

kak
20-09-2004, 16:27
post 1

kak
20-09-2004, 16:27
post 2
:p

kak
20-09-2004, 16:28
:eek: and 3

legspreader
20-09-2004, 16:32
you can all give as i think my pm is a potential winner....

Sidney Bliss
20-09-2004, 16:37
Originally posted by legspreader
you can all give as i think my pm is a potential winner....

Sent her your resume did you? :D

legspreader
20-09-2004, 16:51
no actaully two pics one of you naked, and another of you doing something unspeakable with a sheep....

allice
20-09-2004, 16:54
hands off Mr. Bliss! allice to the rescue :D

Kshisya
20-09-2004, 17:00
Originally posted by allice
allice to the rescue :D


:D allice you are #2 giggle at the moment :D

try better guys ;) you can do better :p

kak - 3 entries so which should I count??? :p

Sidney Bliss
20-09-2004, 17:03
Originally posted by legspreader
no actaully two pics one of you naked, and another of you doing something unspeakable with a sheep....

Who's using your family brain cell at the moment?

DJ Biscuit
20-09-2004, 17:04
The sheep.

85StonePolarBear
20-09-2004, 17:05
Originally posted by Sidney Bliss
Who's using your family brain cell at the moment?

CANADIAN 1979 :D :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :p ! (Now that's too cruel even for TwoTonne Indignity and some of my deceased alter ids)!

Sidney Bliss
20-09-2004, 17:06
Originally posted by DJ Biscuit
The sheep.

If I were judging that would be contest over :D

legspreader
20-09-2004, 17:08
i just confirmation my pm is in the lead at the moment. and sid you're the one that started this pissing match not me....

Sidney Bliss
20-09-2004, 17:14
Baa.

Kshisya
20-09-2004, 17:17
Originally posted by DJ Biscuit
The sheep.

:thumbsup: well if you didnt have drinks in Albion for free I'd give you the prize :D BUT you are off the contest so keep on entertaining me but don't count on ma $20!!! :p

Kshisya
20-09-2004, 17:18
legspreader is indeed in leading 3 ;) was the 1st but now I got some other worthy ;)

well guys the week is long so you never know...never know :p

DJ Biscuit
20-09-2004, 17:23
Originally posted by Kshisya
legspreader is indeed in leading 3 ;) was the 1st but now I got some other worthy ;)

well guys the week is long so you never know...never know :p

Legspreader in third place?

How many PMs did you get? Three?

legspreader
20-09-2004, 17:27
i think shes saying im in the top 3 and i only sent one PM to her...

DJ Biscuit
20-09-2004, 17:29
Well that one flew way over you're head didn't it? In order to be in a humour competition you have to display a semblence of said humour!

Surely I don't have to explain, a total of three, you in third like last place, jeesh...

Sidney Bliss
20-09-2004, 17:29
Originally posted by legspreader
and i only sent one PM to her...

Asking for a shag? I can see why that would make her laugh.

85StonePolarBear
20-09-2004, 17:31
Sidney just might be the winner here!

DJ Biscuit
20-09-2004, 17:35
I can make you laugh Kshishya, but I would have to show you and I'm not sure Legspreader would agree to it! ;)

Kshisya
20-09-2004, 17:36
ah :rolleyes: leave legspreader alone. eh! better try to be funny :p

legspreader
20-09-2004, 17:40
thanks k-girl ;) DJB I think even you'd get a chuckle out of mine....

DJ Biscuit
20-09-2004, 17:42
Heckling in the courtroom had constantly interrupted the trial, and the judge had had enough. The next person who interrupts the proceeding will be thrown out of my court! he said severely, at which the defendant yelled, Hooray!


A couple of pigeons made a date to meet on the ledge outside the tenth floor of a skyscraper. The female was there on time, but the male arrived an hour late.
Where were you? I was worried sick.
It was such nice day, I decided to walk.


It's all in the punctuation:
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

Sidney Bliss
20-09-2004, 17:42
Originally posted by legspreader
DJB I think even you'd get a chuckle out of mine....

No doubt he would but put it back in your pants - there are ladies present!

legspreader
20-09-2004, 17:44
i stated it before you're the one starting this pissing match and once again you've pissed all over your own leg....

DJ Biscuit
20-09-2004, 17:46
Legspreader, whatever you are, you aint funny.

legspreader
20-09-2004, 17:49
wasnt trying to be just stating a fact. i thought it was well know fact of lore and legend here in moscow when sid gets pissed he tends to piss himself....

Sidney Bliss
20-09-2004, 17:51
One sense of humour.

If found please contact legspreader@I-wouldn't-recognise-a-tongue-in-cheek-comment-if-it-took-a-bite-out-of-my-buttock.com

DJ Biscuit
20-09-2004, 17:51
Mala li chto ti dumil....

legspreader
20-09-2004, 18:08
we all know funny in the uk isnt neccisarly funny in russia isnt neccisarly funny in the states....

DJ Biscuit
20-09-2004, 18:10
Where did that out of context statement come from?

However...

Keep spelling and using English as you do and you'll get my vote.

PMSL.

legspreader
20-09-2004, 18:20
not so out of context when you follow the post and make the statement how not funny posts are ...

DJ Biscuit
20-09-2004, 18:24
When you write these posts do you ever listen to what they sound like or are you on some mind altering drug which allows you to believe you actually make any sense?

legspreader
20-09-2004, 18:26
whatever to be honest i dont really give a damn what you think...

DJ Biscuit
20-09-2004, 18:31
Brilliant! Erudition takes another giant leap forward.

Tatiana cat
20-09-2004, 18:51
1

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot gl**** paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."

Kingwillhe
20-09-2004, 19:09
Original version had him pissing something else from an organ nowhere near the mouth.

85StonePolarBear
20-09-2004, 19:42
True story - up to a point ;) ;)

When I was in Morocco, I decided I wanted to try the (notorious) local fig brandy, so I went to the grocery store and asked for a bottle. They sold me regular stuff, 40 volume. I went back the next day and said "This is water; come on, give me something stronger." So they sent me to a guy who had local samogon, 90 volume, which I bought. The next day, I complained again. So they sent me to the hardware store, with a slip of paper full of Arabic writing, which I can't read. This time I walked out with a full litre of battery acid, which I promptly drank. The next morning, I went to the grocery again, and said "That stuff was good, but one little problem - when I took a piss, the whole toilet just dissolved!" ;)

DJ Biscuit
20-09-2004, 19:56
How about a little song?....

Sing along to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies)

Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy named Bush.
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is.
Criminal record.
Cover-up.
Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk.
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is.
White gold.
Nose candy.
The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom."
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is.
Country clubs.
Nose candy.
Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is.
Falwell.
Jesse Helms.
Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!"
"Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.
Chads, that is.
Duval County.
Miami-Dade.
Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in.
Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win."
"Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that is.
Illegitimate.
No moral authority.
Y'all come vote now.
Ya hear?

Kingwillhe
20-09-2004, 20:08
LOL...feels like I'm peeing battery acid!

85StonePolarBear
20-09-2004, 20:09
LOL - there was a good parody of that Hillbillies song back when the Bobbitt case was in the news - I'll have to find it!

85StonePolarBear
20-09-2004, 20:09
LOL - there was a good parody of that Hillbillies song back when the Bobbitt case was in the news - I'll have to find it!

DJ Biscuit
20-09-2004, 20:11
Fire Destroys Bush Presidential Library

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.

Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished colouring the second one.

DJ Biscuit
20-09-2004, 20:18
Bush Goes For A Jog

George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are injured." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

85StonePolarBear
20-09-2004, 23:09
LOL - although I am pretty ambivalent when it comes to US politics, this is great stuff! Just one little problem - Ari Fleischer resigned within the past few months ;) ;) ;)!

Kingwillhe
20-09-2004, 23:57
I miss Mr Ari Fleischer soo much. He was just such pond scum upon initial inspection, but after careful consideration he...remained pond scum.

Still, the media scrum at the White House has never been so F***IN boring.

Kshisya
21-09-2004, 10:25
:hooray: DJ bravo! but don't ya expect ME to cover YO dreams :rolleyes: i.e. drinks! :p

common ppl! don't turn this one into the fights or political jokes! both get annoying and no fun after a few posts! :rolleyes:

by funny & sexy & smart - :rolleyes: well you know my taste...watch Sid :D


and i dont' get why no girls wanna free drinks ??:eek:...ladies I know you can afford to pay for yourself but seeing that 90% of competing for free booze are men makes me almost cry :D

allice
21-09-2004, 10:39
Originally posted by Kshisya
by funny & sexy & smart - :rolleyes: well you know my taste...watch Sid :D


- :D Apparently for once our tastes match. :D

Kshisya
21-09-2004, 10:46
Originally posted by allice
- :D Apparently for once our tastes match. :D

ermmmmmmmmmmmm lets say in terms of humor it really does :rolleyes:

:p:p:p

Maine Surfer
21-09-2004, 10:54
DJ, where do you get these good ones?

Sharpy67
21-09-2004, 11:09
How about this one:

Boy: Mommy why am I black and you are white?
Mom: Listen son, concidering all the things I did at the aprty years ago you schould be thankful you are not barking

:-)

Kshisya
21-09-2004, 11:13
Sharpy it was disgusting! :D:D You have 2 more attempts tho, good luck! :D:D

Tatiana cat
21-09-2004, 11:14
Sharpy67, good one...

mine 2
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!"

Sharpy67
21-09-2004, 11:24
Thanks, here is a new one :)

Two men talking together:
Mr1: So what did you give your wife on her birthday
Mr2: Ticket to Africa
Mr1: Oh, thats nice. How about next year
Mr2: I will pick her up in Africa

DJ Biscuit
21-09-2004, 11:30
A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."
This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.
She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.
She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"
He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."

Sharpy67
21-09-2004, 11:37
Here is another one :D

A guide on a tourist bus in Thailand say to the tourists: Here in the country 80% have aids and 20% have tuberculosis.

A deaf tourist ask the man next by: What did the guide say?

The man next by: You can shag everyone that are coughing

85StonePolarBear
21-09-2004, 11:41
Young Nigel was flunking every subject except one - sexual education. His excellent grade in that subject was thanks to a presentation which he did about masturbation - including a live demonstration. His teacher wrote: "Nigel has a great future ahead of him; he will become a real w**ker someday!"

(knowing that K would never award him the prize in any event and therefore making sure to blow his.........umm...chances)

sfjohns67
21-09-2004, 11:42
The Pope goes to the doctor because he has a lump on a testicle. The doctor says, "It's really bad news, Your Reverence, I'm afraid you will die from this." The Pope begs the doctor for a cure. "Well," says the doctor, "there is one thing we can try. You must have sex with a woman". "Impossible," says the Pope, "I am head of the Roman Catholic Church and I cannot do that !" The doctor repeats then that the Pope should prepare for death, but if he changes his mind, the Doctor can find a woman who will do the deed with him.

The Pope relents after due prayers and consideration. "But," he adds, "on four conditions: the first is she must be blindfolded so she doesn't see the Holy Dick. "No problem," says the Doc.

"The second is that she must wear ear muffs so she doesn't hear the Holy Grunting". Again no problem for the Doc.

"The Third is she must be gagged so she doesn't speak to the Holy Father." "No problem," says the Doc. "What's your fourth condition?"

"She must have Really Big Tits"

Betty Bliss
21-09-2004, 12:05
Originally posted by Kshisya
by funny & sexy & smart - :rolleyes: well you know my taste...watch Sid :D


And his bottom is as smooth as a baby's one! ;) He likes it pinched. :shame:

Betty Bliss
21-09-2004, 12:11
Especially by his gay mate Freddy Facade! :D

Tatiana cat
21-09-2004, 12:14
A woman is in the hospital giving birth, and she's up on the stirrups. All of a sudden, the baby's head pops out and looks up at the nurse. "Are you my daddy?" asks the baby head. Shocked, the nurse replies concerned, "Uh, no, I'm not your dad, Ill run and go get him!". With this, the baby's head turns to the doctor and says, "Are you my daddy?". "My goodness no! But the nurse is going to get him, he will be here any minute." Finally, the father comes into the room and the baby sees him and says, "Are you my daddy?" To which the shocked father goes up close to the baby's head and says, "Yes, son, I'm your father."

The baby pulls his hand out and pokes the father in the head and says, "Well then... STOP POKING ME IN THE HEAD!"

DJ Biscuit
21-09-2004, 12:17
I slept like a baby last night,

I wet the bed and cried all night!

sfjohns67
21-09-2004, 12:17
HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.


And on a similar note...

In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers, "Here. Iron this."

Kshisya
21-09-2004, 12:20
Originally posted by DJ Biscuit
I slept like a baby last night,

I wet the bed and cried all night!

:D:D:D:D:D:D somebody kill him! :D:D

Tatiana cat
21-09-2004, 12:23
Originally posted by DJ Biscuit
I slept like a baby last night,

I wet the bed and cried all night!

Poor boy, where was your nanny?

DJ Biscuit
21-09-2004, 12:35
This little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way; I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Cl**** the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

DPG
21-09-2004, 12:55
A man's wife is in a coma after having been in a car accident.

She has been unresponsive to all treatments for almost 3 years, but the doctors and her husband refuse to give up hope.

One morning while the nurse is giving her a bedbath, she notices the woman's eyelids flicker slightly and fingers wriggle a little as the sponge is transversing the woman's nether-regions.

Seeing that this is the first reaction of any kind to anything in years, the nurse quickly discusses it with the doctors and just then the patient's husband arrives on his daily visit.

The nurse tells him what happened during the bedbath and says that the doctors have had the idea that it could be possible that oral sex could help his wife regain feeling and eventually consiousness.

The man is horrified at the idea, and protests that this is a public ward and that people would see. The nurse assures him that he will have a screen around the bed and that the ward will be kept empty for the duration.

He reluctantly agrees, and the nurse leaves the ward.

10 minutes later he strolls out with an unhappy look on his face.

"Well, do you think the oral sex helped your wife at all? Was there any reaction?" asked the nurse.

"No, I think that she choked" replies the man!!

DJ Biscuit
21-09-2004, 12:56
After a visit to the doctor,the West Ham centre forward dropped in to his local pub for a quick one. "What's up mate?" asked his friend Brian, "you look worried."

"Yes, I am," the player replied. "I've just been to the doctor's and he told me I can't play football."

"Oh, really?" said Brian. "He's seen you play too then, has he?"

DPG
21-09-2004, 12:58
You can't say that on here!!!!!:p

kak
21-09-2004, 13:23
A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a chinese man and punches him in the face. "Owch!" the chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the jewish man sits back down. Then, the chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
---
Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional...
---
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your low-income asses in the train, cause we are going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "all passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She then hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOURS delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
---
Hear about the psychic midget who escaped from jail? Yeah the headlines in the newspaper read "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE".
---
Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front. Who do you let in? Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.

DJ Biscuit
21-09-2004, 13:26
Here's some thoughts for DPG, among others....


The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

kak
21-09-2004, 13:27
One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."

The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

kak
21-09-2004, 13:33
a blonde goes into an electric shop andsays "how much is that computer?" and the guy says, sorry, I don't serve blondes. The blonde then goes and buys a red wig. She goes into the shop, asks for the computer, pointing at the same one but the guy still says "sorry, i don't sell to blondes." The blond get plastic surgery and dies her hair green and puts on an austrailian accent so the guy doesn't know who she is, (She REALLY wants that item.) She goes into the shop and says "please can I buy that computer," pointing to what she wants. the guy says, "I've aleady told you we DON'T SELL TO BLONDES!" The blonde is now really annoyed and says "HOW DO YOU KNOW I'M A BLONDE???" and the guy says "because that's a microwave."

DJ Biscuit
21-09-2004, 13:34
How many Russians does it take to run the second greatest
nation on earth?


One, if he's a quick learner in Japanese.

kak
21-09-2004, 13:36
A young lady sees a wizened old man sitting in a chair on his
porch while she is jogging. "Hi you look like you've had a long
satisfying life! whats your secret?" she asks. "well," the old man
answers, " i drink a bottle of whiskey every three hours, smoke 5 packs
of cigarettes every day, eat nothing but junk food, and never go out to
exercise.Yup! this is the life."
"Wow thats amazing!How old are you?"the lady asks. "Thirty-two." he says.

DPG
21-09-2004, 13:37
LOL!!!!

What's pink and hard?

A pig with a flickknife and a knuckleduster!!

DPG
21-09-2004, 13:40
Just after a man and his wife have decided to divorce, he wins $10M on the lottery and realised that he needs to spend it in order to stop his wife getting her paws on it.

After buying a castle, ferrari, mansion in jamaica etc he still has a couple of million that he needs to spend asap. One afternoon he is strolling past a pet shop where he sees in the window a sign advertising "the world's most unique and expensive parrot for sale here!".

He pops in and asks the shop assistant about this bird - the guy tells him that it is the only parrot on earth which lays large, cuboid eggs - the guy thinks that it sounds great - his mates at the pub will love it! He asks whether the bird also speaks, but is tolds that it only says 2 words...can't have everything I guess!

He enquires as to the price and the sum of $3M changes hands. The shop assistant packs up the cage for him and on his way out of the door, the man asks "by the way, what are the 2 words it says??"

"JEEEEZZZZUSSS CHRIIIIIST!!!!!" the parrot exclaims with pain as it lays a huge, cuboid egg!

kak
21-09-2004, 13:41
;)
ok... last one ...i know i'll be hit by some Americans here but anyway ;)

How many American tourists does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.

DPG
21-09-2004, 13:43
HAHA!!!!!!!!

How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?

The cake jumps out of the girl.

=====================================

What's somewhat brown & often found in children's underpants?

Michael Jackson's hand.

=====================================

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

=====================================

What has seventy-five balls & screws old ladies?

Bingo.

DJ Biscuit
21-09-2004, 13:45
A man walks into a pet shop and asks ''I'd like a fly please''

''We don't sell flies'' replies the shop assistant.

''You've got one in the window'' says the customer.

DPG
21-09-2004, 13:47
Why don't blind people skydive?

It scares the f*** out of the dog!!!!

85StonePolarBear
21-09-2004, 13:55
What is the feminine form of the word ?

!

kak
21-09-2004, 13:56
:D

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Smurfette
21-09-2004, 13:57
A paramedic was asked on a local TV talk-show program: "What was your most unusual and challenging 911 call?"

"Recently we got a call from that big white church at 11th and Walnut," the paramedic said. "A frantic usher was very concerned that during the sermon an elderly man passed out in a pew and appeared to be dead. The usher could find no pulse and there was no noticeable breathing."

"What was so unusual and demanding about this particular call?" the interviewer asked.

"Well," the paramedic said, "we carried out four guys before we found the one who was dead."

85StonePolarBear
21-09-2004, 14:00
A Russian brewery which will go unnamed tried to come up with a beer that would taste similar to what is sold at Oktoberfest in Munich. After months of work, they sent it to the experts in Munich only to be told:

"Sorry, your horse has diabetes!"

Pantalaimon
21-09-2004, 14:13
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.

She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.

In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."

No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting

Kshisya
21-09-2004, 14:14
:D Guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I always knew you kinda luv me but never thought $20 could do such a magic to you and make it finally show! :D:D:D

:thumbsup:

DJ Biscuit
21-09-2004, 14:17
It's not the money Princess, it's the thought of your warm, beautifull face smiling, perhaps even laughing with a little help from us,

That and the money.

DPG
21-09-2004, 14:19
Now THAT is funny!!;)

Kshisya
21-09-2004, 14:29
Originally posted by DPG
Now THAT is funny!!;)


I second DPG :D:D

DJ even flattery should have some limits! :rolleyes: I luv ya too tho! :inlove::D

DJ Biscuit
21-09-2004, 14:30
Originally posted by Kshisya
I second DPG :D:D

DJ even flattery should have some limits! :rolleyes: I luv ya too tho! :inlove::D

???

But I don't collect stamps.

Maine Surfer
21-09-2004, 14:31
K, I don't know how about you, but this tyhread has made giggle quite a bit. 5 starts from me :D :agree:

Kshisya
21-09-2004, 14:44
Originally posted by DJ Biscuit
???

But I don't collect stamps.

:suspect: really? weird...with suchA tongue you must be very gifted in sticking them on the envelops tho :rolleyes:

:p

Birdy
21-09-2004, 14:44
3 men go to work at a building site, 1 Scottish, 1 Russian and 1 Chinese.
The foreman tells them their job for the day is to move a large pile of sand.
The formen tells the Scotsman "You are in charge of the wheel barrow" he tells the Russian "You are in charge of the shovel" and he tells the Chinese man "You are in charge of supplies".

The foreman goes for his lunch, when he comes back, the pile of sand has not moved.
He asks the Scotsman why he didn't work, the Scotsman says "I couldn't find the wheelbarrow and the Chinese guy in charge of supplies has vanished".
The foreman asks the Russian why he has not worked, the Russian says "I couldn't find the shovel and the Chinese guy in charge of supplies has vanished".

The angry foreman walks round the pile of sand to find the Chinese guy - the Chinese guy jumps out and shouts.....
........
........
........
........
........
........
""SUPPLIES""

DJ Biscuit
21-09-2004, 14:46
Originally posted by Kshisya
:suspect: really? weird...with suchA tongue you must be very gifted in sticking them on the envelops tho :rolleyes:

:p

Sorry, mixed up flattery and philately! :D

85StonePolarBear
21-09-2004, 14:54
Originally posted by Kshisya
:D Guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I always knew you kinda luv me but never thought $20 could do such a magic to you and make it finally show! :D:D:D

:thumbsup:

:D Did I read this right? You charge 20 dollars to let us show our love to you? Oh, what a poor judge of character I am - but I guess I still luv you ;) ;) ;)

kak
21-09-2004, 15:01
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

kak
21-09-2004, 15:03
At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."

85StonePolarBear
21-09-2004, 15:04
Another version:

One old man says to the other: "Look at that - there's Mayor Luzhkov riding down the street on a stallion!"

The second man replies "A stallion? How do you know it's not a mare?"

"Because I was standing on the other side listening to some kids talking, and one of them said "Look at the d**k on that horse!"

kak
21-09-2004, 15:10
After marrying a sweet young woman, a 90-year-old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.

"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."

"Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear."

"Exactly," replied the doctor.

DPG
21-09-2004, 15:11
I love that one!!!!!


How do you make a dog drink??

Put it in a liquidiser!!

Smurfette
21-09-2004, 15:13
Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from a small town was taking a long walk through a nearby meadow when she was surprised to see a parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree.

"Hellllllp!" he cried when he spotted her down below.

"What are you doing up there?" she called back.

"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!"

The blonde rolled her eyes. "Well, of course it didn't. If you'd just asked one of the locals, anybody could've told you that *nothing* around here opens on a Sunday!"

Kshisya
21-09-2004, 15:13
Originally posted by DPG
I love that one!!!!!


How do you make a dog drink??

Put it in a liquidiser!!

nasty!!!! :cry: :D

kak
21-09-2004, 15:14
Superman's had a hard week of fighting crime in Metropolis and is ready for some fun. So Friday afternoon, he looks up his pals Batman and Spiderman to see if they're up for going on the prowl that evening. Both turn him down on account of prior commitments, and Superman is pretty ticked. As he's flying around the stratosphere letting off steam, he spots Wonder Woman lying on her back stark naked sunbathing on the beach.

"Hey," he thinks, "I'm Superman and I don't need those two clowns to have a good time. I can just fly down there at the speed of light, catch a quickie, and fly away before she knows what happened."

So, Superman zips down, takes advantage of the situation and flies away at the speed of light.

Wonder Woman says, "What the hell was that?"

The Invisible Man says, "I don't know but it hurt like hell."

Smurfette
21-09-2004, 15:15
Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rode in the bottom deck of the bus and the blonde team rode on the top level. The brunette team down below was whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realized she didn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. The brunette asked, "What is going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the blondes said, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

kak
21-09-2004, 15:19
:)
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

85StonePolarBear
21-09-2004, 15:20
Old Joke:

A blonde went to Boots and purchased a box of "Pussy Treats." The next day, she returned them, complaining that they did not work. The shop clerk replied "You are supposed to give those to your cat!"

True story:

One of my cats had a skin infection, so I called 36.6 hotline and asked for a particular anti-bacterial solution, using the generic name. They confirmed it was in stock, and I ended up in the big 36.6 on Tverskaya. I asked for the product, again by chemical name, and was given a bottle of "INTIM-SPRAY" which is, as the name implies, indeed meant for pussies! Needless to say, I was quite amused.

kak
21-09-2004, 15:21
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

Kshisya
21-09-2004, 15:25
:rolleyes: this place misses what I initially considered the major part of the contest - your comments and opinions ;)


Maybe you have some funny observation on anything ....:rolleyes: or a comment on something/sombody...;)...Actually I loved the way thread started MORE than where it goes to :mad:


Common lazy buts! stop copy/pasting jokes and make me giggle better!!!! :p


contest is till Friday so be creative, eh :respect:

85StonePolarBear
21-09-2004, 15:25
St Mary's of D.O.M. Benedictine was a strict nunnery indeed. Every Sunday, the nuns were required to stand in line and confess their sins in front of the bishop, who then told them to do penance. Sister Agnes confessed: I actually looked at a man! The bishop replied: Wash your eyes with holy water! Sister Theresa confessed: I actually touched a man! The bishop replied: Wash your hands with holy water! Sister Kristina screamed out: "Looks like I have to gargle!"

DJ Biscuit
21-09-2004, 16:04
I met my wife on a golfing holiday in Spain, I said to her:

''Bloody hell, what are you doing here?''

Kshisya
21-09-2004, 16:12
Originally posted by DJ Biscuit
I met my wife on a golfing holiday in Spain, I said to her:

''Bloody hell, what are you doing here?''

and she said: :evilgrin: I want yo bloody 20 bucks :grind:





:D you ?! again! ???????:D

DJ Biscuit
21-09-2004, 16:15
No,she said:

''What are you doing? You must be bloody good at golf, you left your clubs at home!''

DPG
21-09-2004, 16:17
Met a woman at a bar and offered her a cigarette, she refused saying she didn't smoke.

"Strange not to smoke in bars" I said. "Tried it once and didn't like it" she replied.

"Would you like a glass of wine?" I continued. "No I don't drink - tried it once and didn't like it".

"That's very unusual" I said.

"No, my daughter is just the same" she replied.

"Your only child I presume...":D

sfjohns67
21-09-2004, 16:18
Originally posted by Kshisya
[BMaybe you have some funny observation on anything...or a comment on something/sombody...
[/B] Awright Miss-K, perhaps this is more in line with what you say you're seeking...

When I was in college and dating my then-fiancee (now my ex-wife), we were on the usual college shoestring budget and could afford to eat out in restaurants only once every couple of weeks. There was one chain restaurant called Quincy's with a pretty good buffet for only $6/person, perfect for a couple of starving college students. There was one just up the street from our school, so we pretty much went every other week when I got my paycheck from my part-time job. As you can imagine, we and the staff got to know each other, and before too long, the place kind of felt like home.

One day after we had been doing this routine for a few months, we decided to drive out to the other side of town to visit some friends who lived there. Since there was a Quincy's out near their neighborhood, we figured we'd grab a bite to eat before we showed up at their place. We went in, and as one might suspect for a chain restaurant, the interior was identical to the one on our side of town. We got our meal, sat down to eat, had some good conversation, finished eating, then I got up to use the bathroom before we continued on to our friends' place.

So I'm sitting in the bathroom, inside the stall, pants around my ankles going "number 2" when I hear the dainty "tap-tap-tap-tap" sound of what can only be high heels. In a flash of panic, I try to recall whether or not I noticed any urinals on the way to the toilet stall (see where I'm going with this, dontcha?). I didn't. Recall. A Single Urinal!!! To confirm my worst suspicion (that is, that I'm in the process of taking a dump in the women's bathroom), I lean forward and peek below the stall door, where yes indeedy-do, there is a set of of feminine ankles esconced in a rather sexy red pair of heels.

Oh shit. No pun intended. What the hell am I going to do now, you ask? I ask myself the same question, and come up with what I consider, to this day, a semi-manly answer: I'm going to finish doing what I came to do, wipe things off like a real man, THEN worry about how the hell I'm going to get out of here undetected. So I do. Finish my bizness and wipe up, that is. Then I start worrying: How the bloody hell am I going to brazen my way out of the women's bathroom??? I had walked in there without even looking, not realizing that the women's and men's rooms were opposite of what they were in our usual Quincy's.

My first thought is perhaps I can fake a mincing little walk and pretend I'm just an overly-masculine broad. Wait a sec, that won't work - today is Friday, and I didn't shave this morning (a habit I observe to this day), so no convincing anybody there. After several more abortive ideas, I finally realize the only way out is the way out - just gather up my ballsack and waltz right on outta there, head held high.

That might have worked on another planet where there are no women to come in the door the exact same time I'm going out of it, who step back to squawk in rather loud voices "Oops, I thought this was the women's...wait a second, what are YOU doing here!" or on yet another planet where some redneck asshole isn't sitting right outside the women's bathroom door so he can yell (equally as loud as the ladies who just went in) "Damn, that sure is a funny looking girl!"

So yeah, I brazen it out, "brazen" in the context of my cheeks turned fiery red as I walk-run to the table, throw a $20 at my poor fiancee to pay the check, snatch the keys to her brand new "hell no you can't drive my" Nissan Sentra that her daddy just bought her a week ago, and walk-run across the floor and out the door, feeling the stares of an entire restaurant full of people on the verge of hysterical laughter at my embarrassed expense.

Kshisya
21-09-2004, 16:18
No,she said:

''What are you doing? You must be bloody good at golf, you left your clubs at home!''

:D and of course you gave her one of those :evilgrin:s and took a golf club out of yo pants??? :p

DJ Biscuit
21-09-2004, 16:19
A man is released from prison after 20 years. They give him the old suit back which he came to the prison in 20 years before. In the pocket he finds a receipt for a shoe repairers, laughing to himself he thinks ''well you never know'' so he goes to the shop which is still there. The man there looks at the receipt and says:

''Oh yes, brown brogues, they'll be ready a week on Thursday''

Kshisya
21-09-2004, 16:27
DPG i fink i heard that one bout the only child from somebody else ;)....must be plenty of such deprived women in this city :p



stevo! poor thing you :D something to remember indeed :D:agree: however what I love bout yankees telling stories most is the DETAILS !!! :D :rolleyes:

DJ Biscuit
21-09-2004, 16:30
I've got three children, five, seven and nine....

funny names. :D

Kshisya
21-09-2004, 16:35
Originally posted by DJ Biscuit
I've got three children, five, seven and nine....

funny names. :D

:rolleyes: interesting...were they named according to the time they were made at....or....according the number of sh*gs that made it possible? :shame:

DPG
21-09-2004, 16:37
Originally posted by Kshisya
stevo! what I love bout yankees telling stories

Quick! Edit it!! Don't call him a yankee!!!

Run for the hills!!:)

DJ Biscuit
21-09-2004, 16:38
I have no idea, I wasn't there at the time!

DJ Biscuit
21-09-2004, 16:41
Originally posted by DPG
Quick! Edit it!! Don't call him a yankee!!!

Run for the hills!!:)


Or away from them. Him being a hillbilly an' all!

Kshisya
21-09-2004, 16:41
DPG i dont think yankee is offensive - I call like that only Americans I adore! - simple - Fa-Q, Inossranets are yankees too ~shrug~ so I am sure stevo will forgive me, if he doesn't like it I won't call him like dat ever again...~pouting~ but I did in a loving way :p


DJ :rolleyes: as always - ask man a question and what you get???? i donnoooooooooo i donnoooooooo :rolleyes:

:p

DJ Biscuit
21-09-2004, 16:43
Originally posted by Kshisya

DJ :rolleyes: as always - ask man a question and what you get???? i donnoooooooooo i donnoooooooo :rolleyes:

:p

Oh come on, I wouldn't know about that.

Kshisya
21-09-2004, 16:44
Originally posted by DPG
Quick! Edit it!! Don't call him a yankee!!!

Run for the hills!!:)

ooooooooooooooooooh ;) I missed something important ! soyou say he's going to chase me? ;) and if I DON't run??? what'll happen then????? :D....sounds kincky anyway so no edits :p:p:p

DPG
21-09-2004, 16:44
DJ - On a similar vain!!:

[An army's drums can be heard faintly in the distance.]

Edmund Blackadder: Oh my god! They're here already! [He begins to run down the hall, shouting.] Run for your lives! Run for the hills!

Baldrick: Er, My Lord, they're coming from the hills.

Edmund Blackadder: [still shouting] Oh, sorry. Run awayfrom the hills! Run away from the hills! If you see the hills, run the other way!

sfjohns67
21-09-2004, 16:45
Originally posted by Kshisya
DPG i dont think yankee is offensive - I call like that only Americans I adore! - simple - Fa-Q, Inossranets are yankees too ~shrug~ so I am sure stevo will forgive me, if he doesn't like it I won't call him like dat ever again...~pouting~ but I did in a loving way :p
No offense taken, I understood how you meant it.

Now run to the kitchen and fetch me a Pabst Blue Ribbon, darlin!

Kshisya
21-09-2004, 16:46
Originally posted by DJ Biscuit
Oh come on, I wouldn't know about that.

:eek: you should know EVERYTHING!! disappointed :rolleyes:

:p


DPG :D:D:D:thumbsup: :D if you see the hills run the other way :D good one!

DPG
21-09-2004, 16:47
Kshi-

You are going to call FaQ a yankee too!!

[Ducks and waits for the incoming!!]

Kshisya
21-09-2004, 16:50
Originally posted by sfjohns67
No offense taken, I understood how you meant it.

Now run to the kitchen and fetch me a Pabst Blue Ribbon, darlin!
:inlove: sorry :rolleyes: you meant Pabst Blue RABBIT????? bunnies can't be blue (for the rest of info refer to Blue Jabs Poll :p )



DPG common! don't be a chicken! i always call him like that :D ring him and say: hey yankee! waZup? ;) Sure you can try calling him like that too! :p

DJ Biscuit
21-09-2004, 16:55
Old women walks in on her daughter and daughter's boyfriend shagging in the living room.

In disgust the old lady cries:''Well I never!''

To which the young man replies: ''Oh come on, you must have''

Pb3O4
21-09-2004, 17:00
A woman survives a terrible car crash but her face is permanently damaged and her skinny body doesnt allow the doctor to take any skin from other parts of her body to reconstruct her face.

The husband, after consultation with the doctors agrees to give some of his skin to his wife but asks the doctors and his wife to keep the information confidential since they have to graft some skin from his arse and he doesnt want any publicity.

The wife and doctors agree never to reveal the truth and undertake the surgery.

Later on, at a party after a successful operation, some friends where complimenting the wife on her beautiful skin and renewed youthful complexion.

The wife feeling a bit guilty that night asked her husband how she could repay him for the sacfifice he made. The husband looking at his beloved wife replies:

"You don't need to do anything, I get my reward every time that I see your mother kissing you!"

Kshisya
21-09-2004, 17:44
Pb good one, but you have 2 attemps more ;)...maybe some true life story? ;)

Maine Surfer
21-09-2004, 17:47
Kshisya -- Make me giggle

Maine Surfer --- Kshisya, giggle. God damit, giggle I told you, or I'll break your leg

:D :D :D

Maine Surfer
21-09-2004, 17:48
K, are you giggling yet?

Kshisya
21-09-2004, 17:49
Originally posted by Maine Surfer
K, are you giggling yet?

:D:D:D actually Tinka gave me a good laugh ;)


hey! and no violence in house :mad: or I will punch ya :p

Maine Surfer
21-09-2004, 17:55
nu vot, another punch bag :(

Kshisya
21-09-2004, 18:22
Originally posted by Maine Surfer
nu vot, another punch bag :(

you should feel lucky as you are not the ONLY punch bag :p

Tatiana cat
21-09-2004, 19:16
A real story(happened today)...
The train was at a platform... Suddenly I saw a bit drunk funny man with a beer running very quickly on the platform...The moment after he got on the train, the doors closed. He sighed: 'phu... just on time... I'm lucky... bingo..." At this point he leaned back the doors,the doors opened and he had to step back on the platform... The doors quickly closed and the train moved... Everyone was laughing... (if you saw his face expression)... We tried to stop the train but didn't succeed...
Probably a classic for Russian trains...

Kshisya
21-09-2004, 19:30
:thumbsup: yea I can picture it vividly! sure it was a pretty moving show (moving man ;) moving doors ;) moving train ;) )

you know once, when I was a student :rolleyes: I was returning from the classes by metro, was pretty late, like late eve so there were plenty of such "sober" men around. SO when I got out of the train, walked up the stairs there was a similar picture to yours - a very drunk man, on shaking legs, staying right before the exit trying to light a cigarette before he gets outside (he hasn't passed the doors yet) so there were a few of us watching the show coz it took him real effort to FIND a lighter, TO TRY to MAKE it work, nu in some 5 mins he finally managed to do it, the cigarette was lightened, he pretty loudly breathes out : nu blya! nakonetsto! (:hooray: f* sake! finally! )

So he puts the cigarette in his mouth, arms in his pockets, pushes the door with his feet and of course the door smashed back on his face killing his smoke just ruining it on his nose! :)

am4rw
22-09-2004, 02:36
Sent: Thursday, September 09, 2004 4:49 PM
Subject: To The Presidents of All Major Airlines


Good Morning!

Gentlemen:

I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, while at the same
time getting our airline industry back on its feet.

Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women,
we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked
woman,
and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again
in
the hope of seeing naked women. We would have no more hijackings, and the
airline industry would have record sales.


Now why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything
myself?

Sincerely,


Bill Clinton

Kshisya
22-09-2004, 10:07
Originally posted by DJ Biscuit
Old women walks in on her daughter and daughter's boyfriend shagging in the living room.

In disgust the old lady cries:''Well I never!''

To which the young man replies: ''Oh come on, you must have''

interesting :rolleyes: has anybody of you ever been "caught" by parents? :D must be VERY embarrassing and funny :D

DJ Biscuit
22-09-2004, 13:02
Many many times. As I get older it gets worse, you see it's more embarassing if the parents are the same age as me!

Kshisya
22-09-2004, 13:44
If you ppl think that that was enough of giggles then you are mistaken! :mad:

Encourage everybody to read the first post and think better bout the advantages of participation! :D....

( $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 $20 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KHALYAVA! YOPTaT'!!! :p

85StonePolarBear
22-09-2004, 13:46
So the sum awarded will be USD 20 multiplied by the number of times you have posted $20 above? I am too considerate to want to bankrupt you - especially because I'm tired and am seeing double ;) ;) ;)

Kshisya
22-09-2004, 13:48
Originally posted by DJ Biscuit
Many many times. As I get older it gets worse, you see it's more embarassing if the parents are the same age as me!

luckily my mom is a bit older than you :rolleyes:

:p

Kingwillhe
23-09-2004, 08:42
Telling jokes in public has always been...risqu (without liquor anyway), like exposing ones self in public! But here goes:

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered
me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you
asked,I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English
can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford
that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is,
nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!
" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of
humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,
"psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your
wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at
the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT!???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie
and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to
kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down ."
"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

Maine Surfer
23-09-2004, 09:24
wow, a good one

Kshisya
24-09-2004, 13:58
oops :shame: I didn't/don't have time to go through ALL the jokes so I'll anounce the winner a little later!!!! but don't wa worry one of you will get $20 !!!!!!



I promised - I will do! :verycool: :p