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Midas
23-07-2004, 14:35
To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary.

Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You
will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not
want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not
a very good game.The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a
new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
"Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is
for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your co-operation.

sfjohns67
23-07-2004, 15:44
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary.

I did, and consider it quite interesting that while searching, I also found the word "revolve" on the same page. As in "stick your finger up your own ass and revolve." Lovely word combination, that.

Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You
will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

Why should I bother, since the world...ahem...revolves around American english these days?

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

I'll look up "interspersed if you'll look up "eat me" - fair enough for ya?

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf.

See #1 and come back to me when you've dominated a few foreign cultures more recently than 200 years ago.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard.

You're right, it is ridiculously easy – it's just that we don't give a flying shit.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
as the good guys.

Not until you get rid of those prissy little accents of yours that lend themselves so well to bad guys with latent homosexuality hangups.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not
want you to get confused and give up half way through.

Again, go look up "eat me" in your Americanized Oxford.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

Um, that's why it's called "American football" you simpering nitwit. Of course, you can always bring your pasty carcass out on the playing field and we'll see just who stacks up against who. As a matter of fact, I'll lay down the challenge myself – full contact without the kevlar. Trust me, I'll level your lightweight little ass myself.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".

Can't argue with this. Call it a tie. Now bring me a pint of your best Miller Genuine Draft and quit your whining.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a
new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
"Indecisive Day".

"Indecisive"...sorry for being too lazy to look it up (all those McDonald's calories got me a bit fat and relaxed), but does that mean you guys can't figure out whether to eat a spotted dick or smoke a fag?

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is
for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

Ha, you're living in the "should-coulda-woulda" been past. Germany lost the war, no thanks to you limp-wrists. American iron is the ONLY way to go. Get your sorry ass behind the wheel of a 66 Mustang THEN come talk that same shit to me.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

My uncle Bob. He kills everything. Now settle down, have a cup of tea and a few crumpets, and don't ever f**k with a winner again.

Thank you for your co-operation.

I got something you can "cooperate" with, Pinky.

Midas
23-07-2004, 16:15
Dude, you've got too much time on your hands.... Can I have your job? :)

sfjohns67
23-07-2004, 16:16
Not unless you can write shit like that in under 10 minutes.

Midas
23-07-2004, 16:18
so THAT is your job...

Random
23-07-2004, 16:22
See #1 and come back to me when you've dominated a few foreign cultures more recently than 200 years ago.

<Coughs gently> ... that would be like the way you've shown us then huh !??!

Lower head waits for things to be thrown at him !!



:D

sfjohns67
23-07-2004, 16:29
Dear Random,

As sarcasm and irony smileys were eschewed, I won't be throwing anything at you.

Sincerely,
Mr. Sf

Random
23-07-2004, 16:44
Glad you took it the way I meant it !! Hate having stuff thrown at me ......sometimes it can be heavy and hurt !!

boscoe
23-07-2004, 16:52
sfjohns, how’s that Vietnamese colony going for you nowadays?

;)

sfjohns67
23-07-2004, 16:53
Ditto for me re taking things the right way. Some people couldn't spot tongue in cheek with a magnifying glass.

Man, can you feel the love in the room?!

Shaggy, the Charlies are producing at a rate I never thought possible. I even think I might have a real blue-blooded strawboss identified, stellar man with a whip.

cyclby
23-07-2004, 16:59
SFJ,
My man, you just wear me out readin' yer shit! LOL

P.S. I know what his job is!!!
C

gadfly
23-07-2004, 17:00
If it wasn't for our country, y'all would be speaking German. I don't think the parents of future metrosexuals would have defended London the way the Russkies defended Stalingrad. KO.

Random
23-07-2004, 17:10
Given that my bit of the world wasn't liberated until May 9th 1945 - I owe you zip !!

Thanks for nothing !!

Braders
23-07-2004, 17:11
Originally posted by gadfly
If it wasn't for our country, y'all would be speaking German.

Do you know where Germany is Gadfly? :p

Braders
23-07-2004, 17:12
For that matter does your President? :p :p

sfjohns67
23-07-2004, 17:18
Originally posted by Braders
For that matter does your President? :p :p
Braders, as a flag-waving proud American, I ain't taking any bets on that one!

gadfly
23-07-2004, 17:26
Breaking away from you guys was the best thing we ever did.
Most former British posessions were islands. Exampes: Ireland, Tuvalu, St Lucia, New Zealand. The two big ones that aren't islands, Australia and Canada, are in fine shape by economic and democratic standards. Here are the rest: tell me how many you'd like to call home.

Belize
Guyana
South Africa
Ghana
Nigeria
Sierra Leone
Tanzania
Uganda
Kenya
Malawi
Zambia
The Gambia
Botswana
Lesotho
Swaziland
Zimbabwe
Namibia
Mozambique
Cameroon
India
Pakistan
Bangladesh
Cameroon (Myanmar)
Sudan
Trans-Jordan

sfjohns67
23-07-2004, 17:29
Whoah, I think DJ/Midas was goofing with the original entry and I sure as hell was goofing with mine, so get off your serious high horse and relax!

Geez, can't anybody take a joke anymore without blowing hot air out of their ass?

Braders
23-07-2004, 17:36
Originally posted by gadfly
The two big ones that aren't islands, Australia and Canada,

I rest my case ;)

Random
23-07-2004, 17:40
Trans-Jordan - is that before or after the operation ????

:D

sfjohns67
23-07-2004, 17:41
Now now, Braders and Random, don't go ganging up on the handicapped kid, it isn't...howtosay...cricket!

Random
23-07-2004, 17:44
Speaking of things cricket - we have put on a rather spiffing score against the WI today !!

:agree:

DJ Biscuit
23-07-2004, 19:05
Braders, Random, big big respect.


''I'm from England, small country, we used to run the world before you did'' Davis Brent.

DJ Biscuit
23-07-2004, 19:06
Originally posted by sfjohns67
Now now, Braders and Random, don't go ganging up on the handicapped kid, it isn't...howtosay...cricket!

Cricket bat is what he/she will get round his bonce. Ponce.

am4rw
23-07-2004, 19:52
Loved this the first time I saw it, November of 2000, while arguments were flying around about hanging chads in Florida. However, even after 4 years, you Brits still can't do math.

If 98.85% of us don't know about the rest of the world, and 2.15% do, then we have 1% of us who ... ?????

Of course, anyone who computes weight in stones, and has a monetary system that is totally incomprehensible (how many shillings to a pound? and how many pounds to a stone?) can probably be excused if they're a little confused with math. :D

DJ Biscuit
23-07-2004, 19:56
Hoist by your own petard.

We don't have shillings.

If 98.85% of us don't know about the rest of the world, and 2.15% do, then we have 1% of us who ... ?????

Mmm, that's 101% so the 1% who??? I don't get it.

J.D.
23-07-2004, 19:56
you dcant rveoke aahwt you dint gie you dumb shoeits nows as sosn as athae rains stopp im goin back to the cantinsea and i jhop you britys will joinme

DJ Biscuit
23-07-2004, 20:02
Midas, thanks for posting that by the way.

Shame some people are too small minded, and lacking in the necessary grey matter to have taken it as it was meant.

Australia, not an island, now that's funny s**t!

am4rw
23-07-2004, 20:25
Originally posted by DJ Biscuit

If 98.85% of us don't know about the rest of the world, and 2.15% do, then we have 1% of us who ... ?????

Mmm, that's 101% so the 1% who??? I don't get it.

Go back and read the original post. I don't get the math there either.

sfjohns67
24-07-2004, 15:17
Originally posted by DJ Biscuit
Shame some people are too small minded, and lacking in the necessary grey matter to have taken it as it was meant.
...and I hope you aren't including me in reference to those "some people"!

J.D.
24-07-2004, 16:37
If you had used the proper smiley face then people would have had no problem understanding it as it was 'suppose to' have been meant. I think I understood it but I'm not sure as I was rather drunk when I read it.

But this does bring up an interesting point. Does the meaning of these smiley faces change any from British to American?

kot begemot
24-07-2004, 23:25
To the citizens of the United Kingdom, Great Britain, England, or whatever the hell you call that little insignificant island off the coast of France:

I'll learn to subject myself to "her majesty" as soon as you Brits learn to speak English properly. Granted we Americans have a few different spellings for certain words (no big surprise here), but at least we use something called "grammar" correctly. Grammar has something to do with verbs and nouns... remember? For example, why do the Brits say "As reported, the network ABC are claiming..." Ok -- hold it! ABC are?? There is nothing plural about this. ABC is a singular noun. Why do you Brits insist on making it plural by using "are"??? Your argument that it is somehow "all encompsing plural," meaning that many people work there is BS. Even if expanded, the acronym is the "American Broadcasting Company" and as far as I remember, "Company" is a singular noun, requiring the verb "is." The same with sports teams... Germany "are" going to win the world cup in soccer (oops, I mean football). As far as I know, "Germany" is a singual noun. What's with the plural verb?

Please take Grammar 101 and get back to us ignorant 2.15%. We're waiting. Or should I say America "are" waiting?? :confused:

DJ Biscuit
25-07-2004, 17:52
Originally posted by J.D.
If you had used the proper smiley face then people would have had no problem understanding it as it was 'suppose to' have been meant. I think I understood it but I'm not sure as I was rather drunk when I read it.

But this does bring up an interesting point. Does the meaning of these smiley faces change any from British to American?

JD, though there are no smileys in your post I am desperately hoping you are being humorous and ironic. Otherwise there is no hope, the idea of written humour is, and get this, the humour and sense can be found in the text, not because it has smiley faces after it. But you knew that right?

DJ Biscuit
25-07-2004, 17:57
Originally posted by kot begemot
To the citizens of the United Kingdom, Great Britain, England, or whatever the hell you call that little insignificant island off the coast of France:

I'll learn to subject myself to "her majesty" as soon as you Brits learn to speak English properly. Granted we Americans have a few different spellings for certain words (no big surprise here), but at least we use something called "grammar" correctly. Grammar has something to do with verbs and nouns... remember? For example, why do the Brits say "As reported, the network ABC are claiming..." Ok -- hold it! ABC are?? There is nothing plural about this. ABC is a singular noun. Why do you Brits insist on making it plural by using "are"??? Your argument that it is somehow "all encompsing plural," meaning that many people work there is BS. Even if expanded, the acronym is the "American Broadcasting Company" and as far as I remember, "Company" is a singular noun, requiring the verb "is." The same with sports teams... Germany "are" going to win the world cup in soccer (oops, I mean football). As far as I know, "Germany" is a singual noun. What's with the plural verb?

Please take Grammar 101 and get back to us ignorant 2.15%. We're waiting. Or should I say America "are" waiting?? :confused:

LOL.

Surely you are not waiting for simple English to be explained?

Look again at what you wrote. Language does not follow logical rules, this is especially true for grammer. We did not change 'ABC is' to 'ABC are', that was the way the English language was spoken long before there was an American version. On the contrary it is the Americans who have changed the language.

Note, Germany is/are going to win the world cup IN? football. IN football? Mmm...
I rest my proverbial. ;)

J.D.
25-07-2004, 18:34
You have unintentionally made my unintentional point DJ. Yes I was being silly, I have a long history of it on this board and you have met me in person and experienced some of my sillyness yet you are still not 100% sure that I'm just making light now, even though your original material was obviously in jest and, I think, my response was equally obviously in jest.

tbill
26-07-2004, 00:07
This is ridiculous. The British gave the world the system of liberal democracy that has served the US well enough to have the longest form of government to date.* Cultural issues are, well cultural. No reason to expect that we would understand each other any better than two countries on different continents. The truth is we have so much in common not because of our common language but because of our common respect for the rights of men.

So can we get back to hating the French. Duplicitous weasels.

Merde in France (http://miffedagain.blogspot.com/)









*Notwithstanding your disasterous foray into socialism.

koba65
26-07-2004, 04:17
Originally posted by Random
See #1 and come back to me when you've dominated a few foreign cultures more recently than 200 years ago.

<Coughs gently> ... that would be like the way you've shown us then huh !??!

Lower head waits for things to be thrown at him !!



:D

Ahem, how many RAF, RA, RN, and RM bases do you have in the USA???? As a "Yank" (btw, that's an offense term for us Southerners) who lived 3 years in Blimely "whilst" in the military, I found it quite humorous that my Brit neighbors would call me a "colonist" - hmmm, perhaps 200 years ago, but last time I checked I didn't see any Brit military wandering about Texas, California, Florida, DC, etc. etc., in uniform traveling to and from their bases.... Who has "colonized" whom? (all tongue in cheek mind you...)

J.D.
26-07-2004, 08:00
Don't you realize, we have not only been colonized but also conscripted. Britian birthed us, nutured us along (including a few chatisements) and now has put us to work policing the world in their stead so they can enjoy their retirement.

Midas
26-07-2004, 10:08
Originally posted by DJ Biscuit
Hoist by your own petard.

We don't have shillings.

If 98.85% of us don't know about the rest of the world, and 2.15% do, then we have 1% of us who ... ?????

Mmm, that's 101% so the 1% who??? I don't get it. Presumably, this is American maths. Or should I say "there are"

DJ Biscuit
26-07-2004, 16:53
Originally posted by koba65
Ahem, how many RAF, RA, RN, and RM bases do you have in the USA???? As a "Yank" (btw, that's an offense term for us Southerners) who lived 3 years in Blimely "whilst" in the military, I found it quite humorous that my Brit neighbors would call me a "colonist" - hmmm, perhaps 200 years ago, but last time I checked I didn't see any Brit military wandering about Texas, California, Florida, DC, etc. etc., in uniform traveling to and from their bases.... Who has "colonized" whom? (all tongue in cheek mind you...)


haha, interesting, but tell me do, where is 'Blimely'? Or what is 'Blimely'?

DPG
26-07-2004, 19:12
To add to that I would say that the reason for the UK not having any bases in the US is that unless we wished to invade Hawaii, Argentina (oppps could do that from the Falklands or Ascension) or maybe Jamaica or the other Carribean Islands (nope, mostly commonwealth and many of them remain British dependents) there is really not much point in having them there from a strategic point of view...unlike the US having them in the UK ("the fortress island") which is in close proximity to Europe and the Middle East.

DJ Biscuit
26-07-2004, 19:18
Plus of course we have a large force deployed in Belize, rather handy for Jamaica, Cuba and erm the US! ;)

koba65
26-07-2004, 19:29
Originally posted by DJ Biscuit
haha, interesting, but tell me do, where is 'Blimely'? Or what is 'Blimely'?

Blin! That'll teach me for posting late at night! Blighty is what I meant!!

koba65
26-07-2004, 19:30
Originally posted by DPG
To add to that I would say that the reason for the UK not having any bases in the US is that unless we wished to invade Hawaii, Argentina (oppps could do that from the Falklands or Ascension) or maybe Jamaica or the other Carribean Islands (nope, mostly commonwealth and many of them remain British dependents) there is really not much point in having them there from a strategic point of view...unlike the US having them in the UK ("the fortress island") which is in close proximity to Europe and the Middle East.

There you go with logic!! ;)

DPG
26-07-2004, 20:40
Thinking about it, we have marked our human rights record by depopulating the island of Diago Garcia and renting it out to your lot for use as an USAF base!!

Also, could it be that the American government doesn't want soldiers, planes, ships etc from better trained (by most people's reckoning including many Americans I've come across) military units present in their lands?!;)

What was it General Norman Schwarzkopf said after the 1st gulf war - give me an army of Israeli soldiers, Equipped by America and TRAINED BY THE BRITISH!!:D

koba65
27-07-2004, 03:45
Originally posted by DPG
Thinking about it, we have marked our human rights record by depopulating the island of Diago Garcia and renting it out to your lot for use as an USAF base!!

Also, could it be that the American government doesn't want soldiers, planes, ships etc from better trained (by most people's reckoning including many Americans I've come across) military units present in their lands?!;)

What was it General Norman Schwarzkopf said after the 1st gulf war - give me an army of Israeli soldiers, Equipped by America and TRAINED BY THE BRITISH!!:D

Having worked with the British military on and off since 1987 I'd have to tip my hat to the RAF and the Royal Marines.. Wasn't impressed with the rest of them (RN, RA). But thanks for Diego Garcia - I hear it's a nice assignment!! ;)

koba65
27-07-2004, 03:51
Originally posted by DPG
Thinking about it, we have marked our human rights record by depopulating the island of Diago Garcia and renting it out to your lot for use as an USAF base!!

Also, could it be that the American government doesn't want soldiers, planes, ships etc from better trained (by most people's reckoning including many Americans I've come across) military units present in their lands?!;)

What was it General Norman Schwarzkopf said after the 1st gulf war - give me an army of Israeli soldiers, Equipped by America and TRAINED BY THE BRITISH!!:D

Having worked with the British military on and off since 1987 I'd have to tip my hat to the RAF and the Royal Marines.. Wasn't impressed with the rest of them (RN, RA). But thanks for Diego Garcia - I hear it's a nice assignment!! ;)

boscoe
27-07-2004, 10:39
Is there an echo in here… or is it that having been in the US military you’re so used to having to say things twice that it’s too old a habit to break?

DPG
27-07-2004, 10:55
Originally posted by koba65
Having worked with the British military on and off since 1987 I'd have to tip my hat to the RAF and the Royal Marines.. Wasn't impressed with the rest of them (RN, RA).

I've heard a rumour that the SAS and the Paras aren't bad either you know - just between us!!:D