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Mariannchen
30-08-2008, 20:48
Eyes closed, crawl to me
Feel the beat with eyelids
It's heart that's throbbing steadily
Breaking up the silence.
Gaze with interest inside,
See my sea of living beats
With the shores which water fight
And my palm that feels your lips.
I see the head over my soul
I put my hands into your hair
My pulse becomes a waterfall
That screams at salty ocean air.
White neck I colour with the sun
Embracing it with weakened fists
Your blood explodes like it's a gun
That sends the bullet into beast.
You feel so soft, so warm today
No longer can I stand the need
To take your heart with me away
To swallow it and make it beat.

Gypsy
30-08-2008, 20:54
Yes - weakened feasts? Did you means fists?

kharon
30-08-2008, 21:31
it would be better to have some rhyme...

To take your heart with me away
Walking out of dark to find my way...

Mariannchen
30-08-2008, 22:27
it would be better to have some rhyme...

To take your heart with me away
Walking out of dark to find my way...

the rhyme stands two lines above!

kharon
30-08-2008, 22:36
the rhyme stands two lines above!

kaneshno!!

just to give an example :)
do you expect me to write all your poem from the beginning?? :)

Mariannchen
31-08-2008, 12:18
kaneshno!!

just to give an example :)
do you expect me to write all your poem from the beginning?? :)

Could you? ;)

kharon
31-08-2008, 13:00
Could you? ;)

rest is on krasnaya ploshad ;)

Kartoshka
31-08-2008, 13:50
I could definitely believe it was written by a native speaker - great job! I have a few suggestions though, hope that's ok...


It's heart that's throbbing steadily
Should be "Its heart" - no apostrophe means it's a possessive (like "my", "his", "hers"), an apostrophe means it's short for "it is".

The majority of the poem has lines that are 8 beats long, so it would flow better if you altered some of the earlier lines to make them 8 beats long as well.
For example, here:
See my sea of living beats
You could change the first word to "Behold", which adds an extra beat into the line as also means you aren't using the same word twice in one line.

For the line
Gaze with interest inside,
My suggestion is "Gaze inside with interest bright"... it seems to flow better when the emphasis isn't on the word "interest", and by adding the word "bright" onto the end you're adding a beat into the line AND making it rhyme.

I can see you've tried to make every other line rhyme but unfortunately most of them don't work :( There are only four rhyming pairs in your poem - me/steadily (this one isn't great because the words are very different lengths, but it does work), hair/air, sun/gun, today/away. Maybe with American pronunciation there are more that work, though?


With the shores which water fight
This line doesn't make sense and I can't work out what you want it to say. Is the shore fighting with the sea?


I see the head over my soul
I put my hands into your hair
These two lines stand out a bit from the rest of the poem because they are quite static - they don't seem as alive with feeling and movement as the rest of the poem. "I run my fingers through your hair" would (I think) work better for the second line, for example.


Your blood explodes like it's a gun
"Your blood explodes as from a gun" sounds better here, I think, because when you say "like it's a gun" you are describing the blood as the gun, whereas "as from a gun" means the blood is like the bullet, speeding through the air.

I hope you don't mind me making suggestions. I wouldn't have bothered if I didn't think it was a good poem with lots of potential! So they are meant as a compliment :)

Korotky Gennady
31-08-2008, 20:32
Eyes closed, crawl to me
Feel the beat with eyelids
It's heart that's throbbing steadily
Breaking up the silence.
Gaze with interest inside,
See my sea of living beats
With the shores which water fight
And my palm that feels your lips.
I see the head over my soul
I put my hands into your hair
My pulse becomes a waterfall
That screams at salty ocean air.
White neck I colour with the sun
Embracing it with weakened fists
Your blood explodes like it's a gun
That sends the bullet into beast.
You feel so soft, so warm today
No longer can I stand the need
To take your heart with me away
To swallow it and make it beat.:9456: I'm sorry... But there are strange enough lines in your poem... At my first look I even thought that it's the parody of love's poems.

" Gaze with interest inside " for examle... Is it a pathology-anotomist who gazes with interest inside... no ? ;)

Or " My pulse becomes a waterfall that screams at salty ocean air. "... Where did you see a waterfall which screams at salty ocean air ?

elis
31-08-2008, 20:47
Very evocative. Actually reminded me of a James Joyce poem, which expresses that same urgency. If I could just recall one of the lines from it, I'd be able to look it up...

I aslo think Kartoshka's suggestions are right on.

Korotky Gennady
31-08-2008, 20:47
Kartoshka, I don't think that this poem was written by a native speaker but I'm sure that the poem will be remade as you suggest, it only will have lost of its charm becoz the poetry is not about the rules but it's about reading of it with interst... you know.

elis
31-08-2008, 20:49
Kartoshka, I don't think that this poem was written by a native speaker but I'm sure that the poem will be remade as you suggest, it only will have lost of its charm becoz the poetry is not about the rules but it's about reading of it with interst... you know.

But everybody needs an editor . . . :trampoline:

(I don't think it will lose its charm.)

MissAnnElk
31-08-2008, 20:52
" Gaze with interest inside " for examle... Is it a pathology-anotomist who gazes with interest inside... no ? ;)

Or " My pulse becomes a waterfall that screams at salty ocean air. "... Where did you see a waterfall which screams at salty ocean air ?

KG: I think you are being too literal. Your second quote, especially, is, to me, symbolic. (Of course, as Freud, or was it Groucho, once said, "Sometimes a cigar IS just a cigar.")

Korotky Gennady
31-08-2008, 20:53
This line doesn't make sense and I can't work out what you want it to say. Is the shore fighting with the sea?






No. I think that this line about the sea waves which beat the shore.

Korotky Gennady
31-08-2008, 20:55
(I don't think it will lose its charm.)But it can...

Korotky Gennady
31-08-2008, 20:59
KG: I think you are being too literal. Your second quote, especially, is, to me, symbolic. (Of course, as Freud, or was it Groucho, once said, "Sometimes a cigar IS just a cigar.")


Ann, I think that there is good symbolic and bad symbolic in poetry and in this concrete case the symbolic of the waterfall which sceams at the salt sea air is very bad. But maybe just becoz of that this poem has its subtle charm for me becoz many lines of thas poem are awfully stupid.

elis
31-08-2008, 21:00
Finally remembered the Joyce poem:

A prayer

Again!
Come, give, yield all your strength to me!
From far a low word breathes on the breaking brain
Its cruel calm, submission's misery,
Gentling her awe as to a soul predestined.
Cease, silent love! My doom!

Blind me with your dark nearness, O have mercy, beloved enemy of my will!
I dare not withstand the cold touch that I dread.
Draw from me still
My slow life! Bend deeper on me, threatening head,
Proud by my downfall, remembering, pitying
Him who is, him who was!

Again!
Together, folded by the night, they lay on earth. I hear
From far her low word breathe on my breaking brain.
Come! I yield. Bend deeper upon me! I am here.
Subduer, do not leave me! Only joy, only anguish,
Take me, save me, soothe me, O spare me!

--
James Joyce

Korotky Gennady
31-08-2008, 21:07
Finally remembered the Joyce poem:

A prayer

Again!
Come, give, yield all your strength to me!
From far a low word breathes on the breaking brain
Its cruel calm, submission's misery,
Gentling her awe as to a soul predestined.
Cease, silent love! My doom!

Blind me with your dark nearness, O have mercy, beloved enemy of my will!
I dare not withstand the cold touch that I dread.
Draw from me still
My slow life! Bend deeper on me, threatening head,
Proud by my downfall, remembering, pitying
Him who is, him who was!

Again!
Together, folded by the night, they lay on earth. I hear
From far her low word breathe on my breaking brain.
Come! I yield. Bend deeper upon me! I am here.
Subduer, do not leave me! Only joy, only anguish,
Take me, save me, soothe me, O spare me!

--
James Joycehmm... but this poem of Joyce is worse than the first poem on this thread.

I always knew that Joyce is awfully boring writer but I didn't know that he is a boring poet too.
:ignore:

Even when I was in school i wrote the poems which were more bright.

MissAnnElk
31-08-2008, 21:12
hmm... but this poem of Joyce is worse than the first poem on this thread.

The world would be a boring place if all of us liked vanilla ice cream. :book: That's why there are so many books in the library. :11215:

elis
31-08-2008, 21:23
Well, Gena . . . that just begs the question! Show us some of your poems.
:ok:

Korotky Gennady
31-08-2008, 21:27
The world would be a boring place if all of us liked vanilla ice cream. :book:
:11215:What's so bad with vanilla ? Vanilla tea, vanilla cream, vanilla ice cream, vanilla sky and so on...

The world is not a boring place even if all men like women here.

Korotky Gennady
31-08-2008, 21:32
Well, Gena . . . that just begs the question! Show us some of your poems.
:ok:Elis, it was my school poem so it was not very decent...

MELODY
31-08-2008, 21:42
Ann, I think that there is good symbolic and bad symbolic in poetry and in this concrete case the symbolic of the waterfall which sceams at the salt sea air is very bad. But maybe just becoz of that this poem has its subtle charm for me becoz many lines of thas poem are awfully stupid.


gena, you make me laugh so much! (of course, i am a LITTLE tipsy on ABSOLUT RASPBERRY; i just hosted a dinner party, and you know you ruski must toast to EVERYTHING in the world possible, any excuse to drink more.)
but, anyway, i enjoy the laughter, even if it is not your intention.

Korotky Gennady
31-08-2008, 21:49
gena, you make me laugh so much! (of course, i am a LITTLE tipsy on ABSOLUT RASPBERRY;
.It's a good state of mind... to be a little tipsy. ;)

elis
31-08-2008, 21:58
Elis, it was my school poem so it was not very decent...

Let us be the judges!! :applause:

Korotky Gennady
31-08-2008, 22:12
Let us be the judges!! :applause:Ok. But don't kill me... This poem I wrote when I was a kid.



* * *

If you wanna f..ck the sky
you should teach your penis fly..

elis
31-08-2008, 22:28
Ok. But don't kill me... This poem I wrote when I was a kid.



* * *

If you wanna f..ck the sky
you should teach your penis fly..


I admire the deep philosophy of your young mind! :rolleyes:

(Actually reminds me of a U2 song, but I think the message is reversed.)

MissAnnElk
31-08-2008, 22:30
Ahhhh. Gena!

You're a poet, and don't know it.
But your FEET show it . . .
Because they're L O N G F E L L O W'S!

(sorry)

Korotky Gennady
01-09-2008, 04:18
Ahhhh. Gena!

You're a poet, and don't know it.
But your FEET show it . . .
Because they're L O N G F E L L O W'S!

(sorry)
Oh... I have red him only in russian. But I'll try to find this poet and to read him in his native language. For sure he will be not worse in it than when I red him in russian.

MissAnnElk
01-09-2008, 07:15
Oh... I have red him only in russian. But I'll try to find this poet and to read him in his native language. For sure he will be not worse in it than when I red him in russian.

Eh. Don't waste your time. Read Keats or Byron or Auden or someone else . . .

Mariannchen
01-09-2008, 09:16
Thanks everyone for your comments -and I should tell you this poem was originally written in Russian but once I wanted my English-speaking friend to read it too, so I tried to translate it :)

I will make some changes in it, I think, because your comments really make sense - maybe I won't do it exactly how you recommend, but all Kartoshka said gave me food for thought! :)

P.S. I like Joyce ;)